I am 22 years, 7 months, 11 days, 13 hours, and 36 minutes old.
37 minutes...
38 minutes...
39 minutes...
According to Deathclock.com I approximately 1,614,497,700 seconds left to live.
Time can very quickly become the enemy.
I am afraid of aging not because I am desperate to retain youth - in fact, I look forward to having years of experience and wisdom - but because I am afraid of who I might inadvertently become. I think there are very few individuals who set out to cause chaos with their lives. Very few 6 year old's that dream of becoming the 'Hitlers' of our time. So how does it happen? Where do the murderers, rapists, thieves, extortionists, liars, and deadbeat dads come from? How easy it is for any one of us to gradually become the things we once despised.
As a person ages it seems to become increasingly more difficult to take risks, to fight for what is right despite the cost, and to choose different patterns or behaviors than you have in the past. The difficulty of these things also seems to compound the older one gets. If you are stuck in a bad place, it is hard to change because it took a long time to get there.
Along with adult levels of responsibility come adult levels of absurd business and narrow mindedness. Under such circumstances, it is far too easy to find oneself stuck. In an immovable place neither you, not anyone you know can get you out of.
How can this be prevented?
I fear that as time goes on, pressure will mount. It will be harder to make the right choices and not be washed away by the flow of time and age.
I hope that somehow by glimpsing this pattern early on, I might be able to prevent a living rigor mortis. I do not want to get stuck. I want to live life to the full!
~David
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Remember
15 is not easy.
Much to the contrary.
While a fifteen year old's problems seem like a 'phase' in the eyes of the aged, to me 15 was all I had.
I hated youth group.
I spent a lot of time hating youth group.
I thought that I was very mature for my age. As a result youth group left a severe distaste in my mouth every single Wednesday. I did not like games, worship, or small group - I detested nearly everything about it. During the drives home I would painstakingly share my anguish in the hopes that mother might not have me return the following week.
Despite the 'adult' perception I had of myself there was one quality that embodied my thoughts and behaviors far more than 'maturity':
Fear.
I had gone through elementary school playing with a lot of the same friends throughout. It seems that spending all that time with one group inadvertently increased my shyness around unfamiliar people. I hated youth group because I was afraid.
I did not have much of a backbone.
I had a shell.
I hid in that introverted place alone.
I may have been safe from external sources, but inside I was still dying of insecurity and loneliness. Not very safe at all.
Something had to change.
Fast forward to present tense.
A friend of mine recently asked me, "If someone asked you what the Gospel means to you, what would you say." I do not have a very good answer to that question. There is a typical answer available, but I can not help but to say where I am at rather than regurgitating information that, while ultimately true, is not true to me just yet.
The 'gospel' is complicated. It is actually quite messy. I think that I get the concepts, but I have a hard time knowing how to walk them out. There is a lot I don't understand about church, miracles, the cross, the bible, and God, but I do know something that can be equally important.
I remember who I was.
To me, one facet of the gospel stands out to me at this time - change. While I still carry remnants of fear and insecurity from my youth, I am different in so many ways. Some new fears come along, and I have doubts a lot of the time, but I can look back and see how I was living without hope. I was dying, even though I claimed to 'know Jesus.'
The change I experienced did not occur simply because of my age. I was on an entirely different trajectory when I was 15. I was shy, insecure, afraid, angry, and self destructive. In that place, there was no way out, but now I find myself having traveled around the world, meeting new people and sharing life with them. I have taken that shell and thrown it far away. I may still be an introvert at heart, but something has changed of these past 7 years. Even more exciting than all that, I am not finished being changed - much to the contrary - the change has only just begun.
I suppose I did not entirely answer my friends question. Lets just say this - The gospel is very complicated to me, but I know it to be true because I have already seen its affect on my life. I may not entirely understand what has happened to me, but I want it to continue.
I want it to continue for everyone.
~David
Much to the contrary.
While a fifteen year old's problems seem like a 'phase' in the eyes of the aged, to me 15 was all I had.
I hated youth group.
I spent a lot of time hating youth group.
I thought that I was very mature for my age. As a result youth group left a severe distaste in my mouth every single Wednesday. I did not like games, worship, or small group - I detested nearly everything about it. During the drives home I would painstakingly share my anguish in the hopes that mother might not have me return the following week.
Despite the 'adult' perception I had of myself there was one quality that embodied my thoughts and behaviors far more than 'maturity':
Fear.
I had gone through elementary school playing with a lot of the same friends throughout. It seems that spending all that time with one group inadvertently increased my shyness around unfamiliar people. I hated youth group because I was afraid.
I did not have much of a backbone.
I had a shell.
I hid in that introverted place alone.
I may have been safe from external sources, but inside I was still dying of insecurity and loneliness. Not very safe at all.
Something had to change.
Fast forward to present tense.
A friend of mine recently asked me, "If someone asked you what the Gospel means to you, what would you say." I do not have a very good answer to that question. There is a typical answer available, but I can not help but to say where I am at rather than regurgitating information that, while ultimately true, is not true to me just yet.
The 'gospel' is complicated. It is actually quite messy. I think that I get the concepts, but I have a hard time knowing how to walk them out. There is a lot I don't understand about church, miracles, the cross, the bible, and God, but I do know something that can be equally important.
I remember who I was.
To me, one facet of the gospel stands out to me at this time - change. While I still carry remnants of fear and insecurity from my youth, I am different in so many ways. Some new fears come along, and I have doubts a lot of the time, but I can look back and see how I was living without hope. I was dying, even though I claimed to 'know Jesus.'
The change I experienced did not occur simply because of my age. I was on an entirely different trajectory when I was 15. I was shy, insecure, afraid, angry, and self destructive. In that place, there was no way out, but now I find myself having traveled around the world, meeting new people and sharing life with them. I have taken that shell and thrown it far away. I may still be an introvert at heart, but something has changed of these past 7 years. Even more exciting than all that, I am not finished being changed - much to the contrary - the change has only just begun.
I suppose I did not entirely answer my friends question. Lets just say this - The gospel is very complicated to me, but I know it to be true because I have already seen its affect on my life. I may not entirely understand what has happened to me, but I want it to continue.
I want it to continue for everyone.
~David
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Here I am
It has been a while since last I spared a moment to capture my thoughts and dreams. I think I have been afraid to write my way through last few days. I did not know what to say to the endless void.
This is an entry written to music. As such, I believe it should be read while listening to music. I recommend this:
http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/album/In_Bruges/2851385
I have played more video games in the past two weeks than the last 3 years. This is a good indication that I am trying to avoid responsibility and difficult decisions. There is a certain twang in realizing that.
I have been meandering closer still to a crossroads. Like the point in time when Tarzan must release one vine and choose the next, I have come to this hinge moment in need of direction. Where to next? I think that is the question I have been half heartedly avoiding for the past 6 months. The point of decision is certainly near.
What will it take to become the person I must?
What does it take for dreams to come to fruition?
I feel as though a great many of the worlds challenges might have prevented had individuals made the difficult decisions necessary for them to fully unlock their potential. One of my greatest fears is that I might live out my days having missed the the mark - having chosen poorly, moving away from who I could have been.
I do not know why, but this quote came to mind. I do not want to live my life having done nothing - having simply been a 'good man.' I do not want to settle with being 'nice.'
~David
This is an entry written to music. As such, I believe it should be read while listening to music. I recommend this:
http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/album/In_Bruges/2851385
I have played more video games in the past two weeks than the last 3 years. This is a good indication that I am trying to avoid responsibility and difficult decisions. There is a certain twang in realizing that.
I have been meandering closer still to a crossroads. Like the point in time when Tarzan must release one vine and choose the next, I have come to this hinge moment in need of direction. Where to next? I think that is the question I have been half heartedly avoiding for the past 6 months. The point of decision is certainly near.
What will it take to become the person I must?
What does it take for dreams to come to fruition?
I feel as though a great many of the worlds challenges might have prevented had individuals made the difficult decisions necessary for them to fully unlock their potential. One of my greatest fears is that I might live out my days having missed the the mark - having chosen poorly, moving away from who I could have been.
All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing
~Edmund Burke
I do not know why, but this quote came to mind. I do not want to live my life having done nothing - having simply been a 'good man.' I do not want to settle with being 'nice.'
~David
Monday, October 12, 2009
Piano
Sometimes I don't have any words. All I can do is put on some music and hope that someone else might be able to say what I am feeling. Music is my alcoholic beverage of choice. It goes down both smooth and with intensity. It can lead me to distraction, or relax me enough to move forward with life. I am addicted to musics deeper expression of reality. I want to touch moments in slow motion and music can take me to that place where the clocks stop.
In my most fragile moments, I step into a dark room filled with ivories. I will sit in front of an old upright piano and slowly press into each key. One of these notes will let it all out. One of these melodies says more than need be said in ordinary conversation. It is me, the music, and God - the song need not be pretty, the music is beautiful.
I think it is time to start composing again...
~David
In my most fragile moments, I step into a dark room filled with ivories. I will sit in front of an old upright piano and slowly press into each key. One of these notes will let it all out. One of these melodies says more than need be said in ordinary conversation. It is me, the music, and God - the song need not be pretty, the music is beautiful.
I think it is time to start composing again...
~David
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Rain
I have a recurring fixation with rain. It is pouring down outside, and it just makes everything right. The scent and smell... the feeling of coldness drenching you through your clothes. Running is good, but running in the rain is better than good - it's fantastic. There is something otherly about the way that rain can say, with just a few drops, "Sometimes life does not go the way that you expect, but for these few moments that is okay."
Patty Griffin makes me think of rain, so does Jack Johnson - listening to "Banana Pancakes" with the sunroof open is glorious (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ee4jGYgFG2A). Rain is in the movies, books, and song titles. It seems that almost every musician is required to write a song about rain at one point or another. Each lyrics is nearly as corny as the last, yet... somehow significant all the same.
I have yet to write my 'rain song' but maybe one day I will be able to unveil my ode to rain.
~David
Patty Griffin makes me think of rain, so does Jack Johnson - listening to "Banana Pancakes" with the sunroof open is glorious (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ee4jGYgFG2A). Rain is in the movies, books, and song titles. It seems that almost every musician is required to write a song about rain at one point or another. Each lyrics is nearly as corny as the last, yet... somehow significant all the same.
I have yet to write my 'rain song' but maybe one day I will be able to unveil my ode to rain.
~David
Friday, October 2, 2009
A Knights Tale
Strong, handsome, chivalrous, artsy, reliable and stable, a listener, reader, writer, chef, musician, gentleman - this is me.
I am dreaming.
I am not a prince.
I am the stable boy.
I have heard rumors of royalty. Tales of men who know what is right, and fight for it. I wonder if there are actually any knights out there? Men of honor.
Can a man change his stars? Watch me. I need not be a victim to my circumstance or my natural predisposition. I want to find what is right and fight for it. Even if knights are a myth, I want to make them an actuality.
~David
I am dreaming.
I am not a prince.
I am the stable boy.
I have heard rumors of royalty. Tales of men who know what is right, and fight for it. I wonder if there are actually any knights out there? Men of honor.
Can a man change his stars? Watch me. I need not be a victim to my circumstance or my natural predisposition. I want to find what is right and fight for it. Even if knights are a myth, I want to make them an actuality.
~David
Monday, September 28, 2009
God Help Me
Do you ever feel like you are loosing your mind? It is a deeply terrifying place to be.
Just as a forewarning - you may want to stop reading right now, though secretly I wish you might continue.
I am writing out of an inexpressible desperation (yet I am trying to write and express myself all the same - how funny is that?). There is no 'point' to this blog, no insight into the inner workings of humanity or any clever artistic expression of who I am. This is simply the writings of desperation. I hope that somehow by typing out I might be able to get some sleep and, more importantly, some rest.
I feel as though I am drowning within the confines of my own mind. Swirling around in my skull are many different thoughts. These fragmented strains of processed information cover a wide range... of God, relationship, my future, social awkwardness, music, purpose, dating, money, education, family, tour, singing, writing, value, heart, bible reading, church, work, job security, insecurity, segregation, individuality, lies, angst, peace, hope... on and on. It does not seem to stop.
I yearn for peace and rest.
Though I know these immediate emotions will pass, I feel trapped. What brought me to this place has not disappeared. There is obviously something wrong. Something has gone rotten. I have yet to name what has gone bad - I do not know exactly what has brought me to this point, or how to escape.
Unfortunately, I am fully aware how lame, dramatic, over the top, desperate, and pathetic this blog may be. I can not explain why I write as I do... it is foolish, but I need to do something.
All I can think to say is this:
Crap.
AND
God help me.
Just as a forewarning - you may want to stop reading right now, though secretly I wish you might continue.
I am writing out of an inexpressible desperation (yet I am trying to write and express myself all the same - how funny is that?). There is no 'point' to this blog, no insight into the inner workings of humanity or any clever artistic expression of who I am. This is simply the writings of desperation. I hope that somehow by typing out I might be able to get some sleep and, more importantly, some rest.
I feel as though I am drowning within the confines of my own mind. Swirling around in my skull are many different thoughts. These fragmented strains of processed information cover a wide range... of God, relationship, my future, social awkwardness, music, purpose, dating, money, education, family, tour, singing, writing, value, heart, bible reading, church, work, job security, insecurity, segregation, individuality, lies, angst, peace, hope... on and on. It does not seem to stop.
I yearn for peace and rest.
Though I know these immediate emotions will pass, I feel trapped. What brought me to this place has not disappeared. There is obviously something wrong. Something has gone rotten. I have yet to name what has gone bad - I do not know exactly what has brought me to this point, or how to escape.
Unfortunately, I am fully aware how lame, dramatic, over the top, desperate, and pathetic this blog may be. I can not explain why I write as I do... it is foolish, but I need to do something.
All I can think to say is this:
Crap.
AND
God help me.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Road Dreams, Open Skies, and Barren Plains
644 Miles
11 hours
3 movies
Hamish and Andy (http://www.hamishandandy.com/)
Shane (our amazing GPS navigator with an Australian accent)
Even with all these good things, being on the road is incredibly difficult for me. I do not know exactly why. I have often fantasized about getting in my car and driving away from Kelowna - leaving it all behind like "Into The Wild" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cy6iwP9Ux3A). Having no idea where I was going, who I might meet, or when I might stop. I would leave it all, and be all the better for it...
Freedom.
Even while yearning for this sense of freedom, road trips have yet to be as romantic as the images I have in my head. They are really hard! While I can maintain a calm exterior, my mind tends to race between many ridiculous annoyances.
The music is too loud.
The temperature is just not right.
Your elbow is in my side.
I realize just how petty and selfish I am. The road is not a gentle refiner, but she is good. She shows me who I am when things turn bad. She warns me of who I have the potential to become and grants me an opportunity to change and learn.
There is something about the open road that makes you think about life, God, purpose, people, friendship, and relationship. Who am I? Where am I going? Where are we going?
Today, as we were driving through the endless plains of Idaho my mind seemed to sharpen. Despite the challenges that accompany travel, this is what I want to be doing right now. Lack of sleep, and a lengthy driving schedule suddenly appear like such small barriers in the grand scheme of things. I am traveling with 7 really amazing friends, creating music, building relationships and sharing life with people around North America. What a massive opportunity! I want to take this time, and run with it with everything I have.
Even while pondering the tour my mind still darted between topics as I watched the rolling hills wander lazily past my window. I wondered about my future. What am I doing with my life - what is the next step? If 'life direction' wasn't complicated enough, I also yearn to share life with someone one day. Is now at all the right time for such a thing? I wonder if such thoughts are helpful, or just distracting.
I think that it is easy to be consumed by ones own thoughts. fortunately, staring at the beautiful open sky, all those things seemed to not matter too much. I am okay with not having it all figured out - it has taken a while to get to such a place. There is a time for everything, and now is the time for searching and questioning these things, enjoying music, time on the road, good friends, food, concerts, and conversations.
More immediately, now is the time for sleep. Another concert tomorrow, who knows what each day can bring!
~David
11 hours
3 movies
Hamish and Andy (http://www.hamishandandy.com/)
Shane (our amazing GPS navigator with an Australian accent)
Even with all these good things, being on the road is incredibly difficult for me. I do not know exactly why. I have often fantasized about getting in my car and driving away from Kelowna - leaving it all behind like "Into The Wild" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cy6iwP9Ux3A). Having no idea where I was going, who I might meet, or when I might stop. I would leave it all, and be all the better for it...
Freedom.
Even while yearning for this sense of freedom, road trips have yet to be as romantic as the images I have in my head. They are really hard! While I can maintain a calm exterior, my mind tends to race between many ridiculous annoyances.
The music is too loud.
The temperature is just not right.
Your elbow is in my side.
I realize just how petty and selfish I am. The road is not a gentle refiner, but she is good. She shows me who I am when things turn bad. She warns me of who I have the potential to become and grants me an opportunity to change and learn.
There is something about the open road that makes you think about life, God, purpose, people, friendship, and relationship. Who am I? Where am I going? Where are we going?
Today, as we were driving through the endless plains of Idaho my mind seemed to sharpen. Despite the challenges that accompany travel, this is what I want to be doing right now. Lack of sleep, and a lengthy driving schedule suddenly appear like such small barriers in the grand scheme of things. I am traveling with 7 really amazing friends, creating music, building relationships and sharing life with people around North America. What a massive opportunity! I want to take this time, and run with it with everything I have.
Even while pondering the tour my mind still darted between topics as I watched the rolling hills wander lazily past my window. I wondered about my future. What am I doing with my life - what is the next step? If 'life direction' wasn't complicated enough, I also yearn to share life with someone one day. Is now at all the right time for such a thing? I wonder if such thoughts are helpful, or just distracting.
I think that it is easy to be consumed by ones own thoughts. fortunately, staring at the beautiful open sky, all those things seemed to not matter too much. I am okay with not having it all figured out - it has taken a while to get to such a place. There is a time for everything, and now is the time for searching and questioning these things, enjoying music, time on the road, good friends, food, concerts, and conversations.
More immediately, now is the time for sleep. Another concert tomorrow, who knows what each day can bring!
~David
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Crazy, And Okay With It.
We have been told that this is crazy.
Five Star Streets (www.myspace.com/fivestarstreets) is currently comprised of 4 members:
BJ - Drums
Mike - Guitar/Vocals
Dan - Bass
Myself - Keys/programming
Dan has been playing bass for 3 weeks. I have been learning these 13 songs for 2 months. We have only played as a band for a few days, and we have now played 2 shows to some 150+ people.
Maybe we are crazy. Maybe ‘crazy’ is part of the fuel that makes this whole thing work.
I must say, this whole process has been insanely challenging for me. I would consider myself a musician, but as a music composer, and drummer first. I can play piano, but it has been a whole different game learning someone else’s songs. The past couple days have been spent with many long hours, and time into the early morning, working on parts and practicing. We are still not at 100% strength, but things seem to be coming to coming together with unusual clarity and high quality.
Yesterday we had a show in a town called Masulla (not sure how it is spelled), a city that is two hours away from Kalispell. The gig was at the local university, but we were unable to get into the facility until around 4:30/5. When you have to play a show in just a couple hours, that is not a lot of time! Fortunately, we may be just a little crazy.
During the 2 or so hours that we had, we managed to not only set up our stage arrangement, but gather together several dozen cables (for intruments, monitors ect.) and arrange a set of two mixing boards and front of house speakers. Nearly all of our equipment had to come into place, and it all ended up coming from some 5 different sources that our local contact brought together. Unless you are unsure - that is just insane!
When the show was finally in place, the night went amazingly. Some 60+ people showed up, and there was tons of dancing, clapping and excitement in the room as we played through our set. We also sold quite a few Cd’s - the profit of which goes to the Marine Reach ship tour that YWAM (The organization we are working with) will be sending up the coast of Australia and over to PNG to bring medical aid to that country.
There was every reason for last night to absolutely suck. So many things had to come together, but it really all did. There is still a lot of work and practice to be done, but how can I not share of what happened thus far, it really is incredible what God has been doing. I do not really understand how he operates, but I think I would have to be both crazy and a fool to not recognize that something bigger took place for last night to come together as it did.
More tour updates to come!
~David
Here are some pictures from the last couple days:
Five Star Streets (www.myspace.com/fivestarstreets) is currently comprised of 4 members:
BJ - Drums
Mike - Guitar/Vocals
Dan - Bass
Myself - Keys/programming
Dan has been playing bass for 3 weeks. I have been learning these 13 songs for 2 months. We have only played as a band for a few days, and we have now played 2 shows to some 150+ people.
Maybe we are crazy. Maybe ‘crazy’ is part of the fuel that makes this whole thing work.
I must say, this whole process has been insanely challenging for me. I would consider myself a musician, but as a music composer, and drummer first. I can play piano, but it has been a whole different game learning someone else’s songs. The past couple days have been spent with many long hours, and time into the early morning, working on parts and practicing. We are still not at 100% strength, but things seem to be coming to coming together with unusual clarity and high quality.
Yesterday we had a show in a town called Masulla (not sure how it is spelled), a city that is two hours away from Kalispell. The gig was at the local university, but we were unable to get into the facility until around 4:30/5. When you have to play a show in just a couple hours, that is not a lot of time! Fortunately, we may be just a little crazy.
During the 2 or so hours that we had, we managed to not only set up our stage arrangement, but gather together several dozen cables (for intruments, monitors ect.) and arrange a set of two mixing boards and front of house speakers. Nearly all of our equipment had to come into place, and it all ended up coming from some 5 different sources that our local contact brought together. Unless you are unsure - that is just insane!
When the show was finally in place, the night went amazingly. Some 60+ people showed up, and there was tons of dancing, clapping and excitement in the room as we played through our set. We also sold quite a few Cd’s - the profit of which goes to the Marine Reach ship tour that YWAM (The organization we are working with) will be sending up the coast of Australia and over to PNG to bring medical aid to that country.
There was every reason for last night to absolutely suck. So many things had to come together, but it really all did. There is still a lot of work and practice to be done, but how can I not share of what happened thus far, it really is incredible what God has been doing. I do not really understand how he operates, but I think I would have to be both crazy and a fool to not recognize that something bigger took place for last night to come together as it did.
More tour updates to come!
~David
Here are some pictures from the last couple days:
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Gratefulness
This is going to be one of those 'free form' blogs - I am a tired and much of these thoughts are not going to be well articulated.
I am currently sitting at a computer here in Kalispell Montana on the day of our first show of a 7 week tour. With lack of sleep, and a difficult task ahead, it is really easy to become anxious, stressed, and agitated - I think that I have encountered all these feelings within the past several days and weeks. When these moments come, it seems rather too easy to do things and say things that you regret later. I want to prevent such things from happening so this morning, with the Montana sunrise just off my left, I want to simply recount what got me to this place, and be grateful. Taking moments to be grateful seem to do away with the anxiety, stress, and regretful comments or actions before they come.
This tale starts over a year ago. I was in Australia on a School of Music in Missions (SOMM). Throughout the course of the school, I started to feel like maybe I was supposed to go into the music industry professionally. I don't really understand the whole 'hearing God' thing, but if this was possible, and it was God, I wanted to raise my hand and say, "God, I don't know what you are up to, but I am willing - even though it will come with a cost." I started to look at my current skill-set and new that there was a lot of work to do before I would be able to come anywhere near the music industry, so I prayerfully moved forward. Taking every precaution, having every safety in place. I thought that I was doing everything right, and that it would just start to fall into place - it didn't. Everything in my life seemed to fall apart somehow. I felt poisoned, in a way I simply can not describe. My mood changed, my thoughts changed, and I really started to believe so many lies about myself and others. It really sucked.
I decided to put that big dream aside for a time, to re-evaluate my priorities, and drain that poison that seemed to consume me. I was getting along just fine, trying to live life well, and find joy again, when I get contacted by a friend of mine. Mike was my school leader for the SOMM, and he invited my to go on a 7 week tour with his band (myspace.com/fivestarstreets). I really did not know what to think of this request.
Do you ever find that God gives you the things you want the most, only after you no longer crave them? Then you find out that you still did want that thing, but that your priorities were now in the right order for you to actually enjoy that thing fully. I do not know if this happens to anyone else... it happens to me a lot.
It looked like this opportunity was everything I wanted all this past year but there was still one matter remaining. I am a music composer, drummer and piano player (and in that order). I would be playing in the band as a keyboardist/programmer - a position I have never had, and am not really all that experienced in. A lot of practice was needed during these past 2 months and it was the hardest thing I think I could have done during that time. It has come together really slowly. I still feel a bit inadequate to the task that is before me, but I recognize that something has happened to bring all this together. This past year has been incredibly challenging. I have been at many of my lowest points ever during this year, but I am beginning to understand this concept of grace, and it is what has kept me sane.
I do not know if the tone of this entry will actually seem like gratefulness, but I really have just seen how this whole thing has come together in a way I could not have arranged or planned. I am truly grateful to be sitting here now on the brink of this tour. I think that writing this out has helped to instill some of that gratitude in me so that I can face today's challenges with a few less regretful comments, actions, and with less stress.
Well, that is it for now. I hope to write other entries during this tour. I also hope that any following blogs will be a bit clearer, I am not really on my A-game with writing this morning...
~David
I am currently sitting at a computer here in Kalispell Montana on the day of our first show of a 7 week tour. With lack of sleep, and a difficult task ahead, it is really easy to become anxious, stressed, and agitated - I think that I have encountered all these feelings within the past several days and weeks. When these moments come, it seems rather too easy to do things and say things that you regret later. I want to prevent such things from happening so this morning, with the Montana sunrise just off my left, I want to simply recount what got me to this place, and be grateful. Taking moments to be grateful seem to do away with the anxiety, stress, and regretful comments or actions before they come.
This tale starts over a year ago. I was in Australia on a School of Music in Missions (SOMM). Throughout the course of the school, I started to feel like maybe I was supposed to go into the music industry professionally. I don't really understand the whole 'hearing God' thing, but if this was possible, and it was God, I wanted to raise my hand and say, "God, I don't know what you are up to, but I am willing - even though it will come with a cost." I started to look at my current skill-set and new that there was a lot of work to do before I would be able to come anywhere near the music industry, so I prayerfully moved forward. Taking every precaution, having every safety in place. I thought that I was doing everything right, and that it would just start to fall into place - it didn't. Everything in my life seemed to fall apart somehow. I felt poisoned, in a way I simply can not describe. My mood changed, my thoughts changed, and I really started to believe so many lies about myself and others. It really sucked.
I decided to put that big dream aside for a time, to re-evaluate my priorities, and drain that poison that seemed to consume me. I was getting along just fine, trying to live life well, and find joy again, when I get contacted by a friend of mine. Mike was my school leader for the SOMM, and he invited my to go on a 7 week tour with his band (myspace.com/fivestarstreets). I really did not know what to think of this request.
Do you ever find that God gives you the things you want the most, only after you no longer crave them? Then you find out that you still did want that thing, but that your priorities were now in the right order for you to actually enjoy that thing fully. I do not know if this happens to anyone else... it happens to me a lot.
It looked like this opportunity was everything I wanted all this past year but there was still one matter remaining. I am a music composer, drummer and piano player (and in that order). I would be playing in the band as a keyboardist/programmer - a position I have never had, and am not really all that experienced in. A lot of practice was needed during these past 2 months and it was the hardest thing I think I could have done during that time. It has come together really slowly. I still feel a bit inadequate to the task that is before me, but I recognize that something has happened to bring all this together. This past year has been incredibly challenging. I have been at many of my lowest points ever during this year, but I am beginning to understand this concept of grace, and it is what has kept me sane.
I do not know if the tone of this entry will actually seem like gratefulness, but I really have just seen how this whole thing has come together in a way I could not have arranged or planned. I am truly grateful to be sitting here now on the brink of this tour. I think that writing this out has helped to instill some of that gratitude in me so that I can face today's challenges with a few less regretful comments, actions, and with less stress.
Well, that is it for now. I hope to write other entries during this tour. I also hope that any following blogs will be a bit clearer, I am not really on my A-game with writing this morning...
~David
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Butterflies
I have often seen butterflies. They have become an icon of sorts. I never really payed them much attention until today. Their meaning has now changed for me - I think I understand why they are so beautiful.
Butterfly - an insect of the order Lepidoptera. Like all Lepidoptera, butterflies are notable for their unusual life cycle with a larval caterpillar stage, an inactive pupal stage, and a spectacular metamorphosis into a familiar and colorful winged adult form. Most species are day-flying so they regularly attract attention. The diverse patterns formed by their brightly coloured wings and their erratic yet graceful flight have made butterfly watching a hobby.
Even when I was a kid, I felt like I was not yet who I was intended to be. The feeling has continued and intensified as I have matured.
Something does not seem quite right.
I am sure it sounds like a sort of madness, but I do not think I am who I am supposed to be. This thought has thrown me into a sense of loneliness, and has even tried to drown me in sorrow from time to time. I think I am finally coming to terms with this feeling - putting a word to what I am. Once you name something, it seems there is an added understanding of what the object of your naming is.
I am not a butterfly.
I know it is obvious, but I really mean it.
I am not a butterfly.
I wonder, do you think that caterpillars know what they are? What they are becoming? Deep down, I would like to believe they do. This realization is significant but I am not going to spell it out - that is a part of the mystery of it all... the part that makes butterflies amazing.
I have never really watched many butterflies. Now I think I would like to more often.
~David
Butterfly - an insect of the order Lepidoptera. Like all Lepidoptera, butterflies are notable for their unusual life cycle with a larval caterpillar stage, an inactive pupal stage, and a spectacular metamorphosis into a familiar and colorful winged adult form. Most species are day-flying so they regularly attract attention. The diverse patterns formed by their brightly coloured wings and their erratic yet graceful flight have made butterfly watching a hobby.
Even when I was a kid, I felt like I was not yet who I was intended to be. The feeling has continued and intensified as I have matured.
Something does not seem quite right.
I am sure it sounds like a sort of madness, but I do not think I am who I am supposed to be. This thought has thrown me into a sense of loneliness, and has even tried to drown me in sorrow from time to time. I think I am finally coming to terms with this feeling - putting a word to what I am. Once you name something, it seems there is an added understanding of what the object of your naming is.
I am not a butterfly.
I know it is obvious, but I really mean it.
I am not a butterfly.
I wonder, do you think that caterpillars know what they are? What they are becoming? Deep down, I would like to believe they do. This realization is significant but I am not going to spell it out - that is a part of the mystery of it all... the part that makes butterflies amazing.
I have never really watched many butterflies. Now I think I would like to more often.
~David
Friday, August 21, 2009
Whats In A Name?
Questions often flaunt their independence. They play a fake card - in actuality, not being independent at all. Questions are inexorably connected with answers and answers can not exist without questions. They live in an ever-present dance. Each equaling needing the other to survive. The question rolling around in my mind this evening is, "What's on your mind?"
This week has been loaded. A lot going on, and I am finally catching a moment to digest what has transpired, and prepare myself for what is to come. It has been 7 days of change and forward motion. The end of a 9 week internship - the time used to water plants and take care of my mothers garden while she is in Vancouver recovering from surgery - and the focus needed to finish practicing my parts before I embark on a 7 week tour as a keyboardist/programmer for Five Star Streets (myspace.com/fivestarstreets). This week there were birthday parties, and work functions, lunches, and practice times- moments spent dreaming of the future and contemplating the present. It has been a week filled with healthy challenges, and it has left me exhausted.
I am just waiting on the laundry now. One final task for today and then time to get up in the morning and fly to Vancouver to pick up my Mom. I am too tired to finish this entry on any specific point, but as I said, questions lead to answers and answers to questions. There will be plenty of time for more writing, and perhaps more complete thoughts on another day.
~David
I am listening to Bedouin Soundclash (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KiLOb6WDmM) simply enjoying the music, and a peaceful moment - it is good.
This week has been loaded. A lot going on, and I am finally catching a moment to digest what has transpired, and prepare myself for what is to come. It has been 7 days of change and forward motion. The end of a 9 week internship - the time used to water plants and take care of my mothers garden while she is in Vancouver recovering from surgery - and the focus needed to finish practicing my parts before I embark on a 7 week tour as a keyboardist/programmer for Five Star Streets (myspace.com/fivestarstreets). This week there were birthday parties, and work functions, lunches, and practice times- moments spent dreaming of the future and contemplating the present. It has been a week filled with healthy challenges, and it has left me exhausted.
I am just waiting on the laundry now. One final task for today and then time to get up in the morning and fly to Vancouver to pick up my Mom. I am too tired to finish this entry on any specific point, but as I said, questions lead to answers and answers to questions. There will be plenty of time for more writing, and perhaps more complete thoughts on another day.
~David
I am listening to Bedouin Soundclash (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KiLOb6WDmM) simply enjoying the music, and a peaceful moment - it is good.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Rambling
I am just going to write, and see what happens. Perhaps such unbridled rambling will become an eventual regret - the kind where I read over my own words and choose to edit away those points that are not clear. Maybe I will just write, and let what is said remain.
I ask myself the question, "What are you doing?" with increasing frequency. What am I doing with my time, with my energy, my health, my future plans - what am I doing with my faith? Usually it is a simple, "I don't know," that comes in reply to that question. The reason I ask it is because I am afraid. I do not want to have concluded my life and have lived poorly. I want an existence that has the fingerprints of richest all over it - not the kind of wealth that is seen in monetary value, but one that is built on the foundation of relationship and grows in interest as the strength of those relationships develop.
I also ask this 'self analyzing' question as one that is more general - beyond simply 'me.' I wonder about us. People. What are we doing? Should we be doing something else? Do we actually have a chance? Can God himself be enough for us to change and become better as people? As humanity? Many times I feel that it is a fools hope that it is possible.
Call me a fool.
Why are so many people hurting?
I was listening to the latest Mutemath album this morning. One of the lines stood out to me. The lyric is within the chorus of Pins and Needles:
Oh, and I'm growing fond of broken people,
As I see that I am one of them.
I hurt, because you hurt. I feel pain, because I see pain in us. We are flawed. As CS lewis has written, the human machine is broken. We try to run it for a while, but it is not to long before everything seems to simply break apart and crumble into ashes.
I loved my first car. Pheonix - named as such because it was a black VW Rabbit GTI. I would tell people it was a Pheonix in-between life cycles, so it was not blazing with fire and brilliance, but was black like coal. This past year, there were some issues with the engine. I spent 7+ weeks working on it with a friend. Try as we might, we only got it working well enough that I could drive it home one last time, then it died. I feel like people are a lot like this. We try really hard to be a well oiled, fully functional machine, but some pieces are missing. Some wires lacking, some gears out of place. Something is wrong.
That last point can be pretty depressing, yet I continue to ask, "what are we doing?" Unless I really am a fool, I would stop asking that question if I thought we were unable to change. I think that we can change. Despite the failing I saw with Pheonix, the result largely came from my lack of mechanical experience and knowledge. I suppose this means that part of my hope for humanity comes from the thought that we might gain a knowledge and experience from seeing how humanity has existed in the past. With this learning we might pioneer a new direction, building strong relationships, schools, families, and nations. We can become more than we are right now.
Well, that is the end of lunch break - so ends my rambling (for now at least).
~David
I ask myself the question, "What are you doing?" with increasing frequency. What am I doing with my time, with my energy, my health, my future plans - what am I doing with my faith? Usually it is a simple, "I don't know," that comes in reply to that question. The reason I ask it is because I am afraid. I do not want to have concluded my life and have lived poorly. I want an existence that has the fingerprints of richest all over it - not the kind of wealth that is seen in monetary value, but one that is built on the foundation of relationship and grows in interest as the strength of those relationships develop.
I also ask this 'self analyzing' question as one that is more general - beyond simply 'me.' I wonder about us. People. What are we doing? Should we be doing something else? Do we actually have a chance? Can God himself be enough for us to change and become better as people? As humanity? Many times I feel that it is a fools hope that it is possible.
Call me a fool.
Why are so many people hurting?
I was listening to the latest Mutemath album this morning. One of the lines stood out to me. The lyric is within the chorus of Pins and Needles:
Oh, and I'm growing fond of broken people,
As I see that I am one of them.
I hurt, because you hurt. I feel pain, because I see pain in us. We are flawed. As CS lewis has written, the human machine is broken. We try to run it for a while, but it is not to long before everything seems to simply break apart and crumble into ashes.
I loved my first car. Pheonix - named as such because it was a black VW Rabbit GTI. I would tell people it was a Pheonix in-between life cycles, so it was not blazing with fire and brilliance, but was black like coal. This past year, there were some issues with the engine. I spent 7+ weeks working on it with a friend. Try as we might, we only got it working well enough that I could drive it home one last time, then it died. I feel like people are a lot like this. We try really hard to be a well oiled, fully functional machine, but some pieces are missing. Some wires lacking, some gears out of place. Something is wrong.
That last point can be pretty depressing, yet I continue to ask, "what are we doing?" Unless I really am a fool, I would stop asking that question if I thought we were unable to change. I think that we can change. Despite the failing I saw with Pheonix, the result largely came from my lack of mechanical experience and knowledge. I suppose this means that part of my hope for humanity comes from the thought that we might gain a knowledge and experience from seeing how humanity has existed in the past. With this learning we might pioneer a new direction, building strong relationships, schools, families, and nations. We can become more than we are right now.
Well, that is the end of lunch break - so ends my rambling (for now at least).
~David
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Revisiting Some Words
The Following posting was written at the beginning of this month. At the time I was experiencing one of those moments where boredom, self pity, and loneliness culminated in a significant amount of angst. I think that we all probably get that at one time or another! It is a part of the human condition.
Well, I am just sharing this with the world wide web because, though it begins on a lower note, there is a lot of life in there. Maybe, if ever someone else is having one of those 'down' moments, it will be helpful:
This is one of those notes you may not feel inclined to read, and that is actually more than okay. These words are just an incomplete fragment of who I am and what I feel in this moment. Though my emotions will change, I will not allow that fact to denounce my humanity. Thus I share. This is a letter to the great void of individuals who scour the internet seeking interactions with their fellow man.
I am looking for something. I am quite desperate in my search. While I experience moments of peace they seem to come with little assurance of their lasting. What do I seek? I do not know. What I know is that some topics never seem to leave my consciousness. The repetition of these topics is my only indication they are worth pursuit.
-God
-Relationship
-Love
-Passion
-Joy
-Purpose
-Music
These are my tormentors. These are my brothers. The comrades that surround me with the lack of their presence.
Why can I not rest? Why do I seek these things, yet find myself with an inability to grasp them fully? Why are my desires seemingly poisoned? They are so present - so ingrained in who I am yet they seem unattainable.
"What do I want?" - Connected with desire, this question seems to be of pivotal importance.
I want peace... internally and with the world. I do not know if either is realistic, but I feel so desperate for peace with them both.
I want relationship. I don't even know what that means. Is that relationship with a girl? I don't know. While I am such a mess it would likely not be helpful. I suppose, though the statement seems somehow typical (or meaninglessly spiritual), my hope is that through relationship with God my relationships with people would be different. I hope that I might draw my identity from the creator. I know that sounds so mystical, unrealistic, even naive. Despite whatever pre-conceptions you may have that does not change one thing - God is my hope - my only hope at that.
I want love. Who doesn't? How desperate are we for this ambiguous emotion/choice? I don't really understand love. It is such a strange and powerful thing. It is more than a feeling. I want to be a part of love. To be generous with how I love and interact with those around me.
I want passion. For what, I do not know. It seems a valuable commodity. I want a passion for people. For humanity. For the potential we have in our ability to make choices with every day. I want a passion for 'life to the full.' To see others come to their full potential and to live life well, not missing a single beat.
I want joy. Overflowing, uncontainable... a hope filled joy.
I want purpose. I want to be able to raise my hand again and volunteer my life (which is not actually mine, but given to me). With a willingness to serve others, I want to go. Living with purpose. Sharing life with others.
I want.... music? It seems this desire is different than the others in the way that it is not purely emotional or spiritual. It also happens to be an area of continual challenge and difficulty to me. I want to create and magnify those things that are beautiful in our world. To communicate to a generation of individuals who appear to be as lost as myself. God help us all. With this 'want' comes a recognition that in this, and all these other desires, I am far out of my depth. I am inadequate.
I am not up to the tasks of God - to those of relationship, love, passion, joy, purpose, and music. I am endlessly flawed. Broken and lost. Despite my failings, I still have hope. I hope for more than who I am in this moment. That there is more to life than what it presently is. That with the dawn of each day there is a promise of Gods faithfulness, and consistency. There is a horizon for me to recklessly run towards. It's time I got on my running shoes.
I suppose this note fits into the 'rant' category. Even from writing these things, my mood has changed significantly. Maybe you connect with some of these things as well... maybe none of it makes much sense at all. That's okay too. I am alright with leaving it like that. Both with clarity and confusion... life is certainly a journey.
After writing this, back on Aug 1st, things have changed quite a bit for me. I feel like my joy is really coming back. I am experiencing more moments where my breath is taken away by things that are both simple and beautiful. I don't have answers to a lot of the questions, but there has been a sort of relief. I think that relief is grace.
~David
Well, I am just sharing this with the world wide web because, though it begins on a lower note, there is a lot of life in there. Maybe, if ever someone else is having one of those 'down' moments, it will be helpful:
This is one of those notes you may not feel inclined to read, and that is actually more than okay. These words are just an incomplete fragment of who I am and what I feel in this moment. Though my emotions will change, I will not allow that fact to denounce my humanity. Thus I share. This is a letter to the great void of individuals who scour the internet seeking interactions with their fellow man.
I am looking for something. I am quite desperate in my search. While I experience moments of peace they seem to come with little assurance of their lasting. What do I seek? I do not know. What I know is that some topics never seem to leave my consciousness. The repetition of these topics is my only indication they are worth pursuit.
-God
-Relationship
-Love
-Passion
-Joy
-Purpose
-Music
These are my tormentors. These are my brothers. The comrades that surround me with the lack of their presence.
Why can I not rest? Why do I seek these things, yet find myself with an inability to grasp them fully? Why are my desires seemingly poisoned? They are so present - so ingrained in who I am yet they seem unattainable.
"What do I want?" - Connected with desire, this question seems to be of pivotal importance.
I want peace... internally and with the world. I do not know if either is realistic, but I feel so desperate for peace with them both.
I want relationship. I don't even know what that means. Is that relationship with a girl? I don't know. While I am such a mess it would likely not be helpful. I suppose, though the statement seems somehow typical (or meaninglessly spiritual), my hope is that through relationship with God my relationships with people would be different. I hope that I might draw my identity from the creator. I know that sounds so mystical, unrealistic, even naive. Despite whatever pre-conceptions you may have that does not change one thing - God is my hope - my only hope at that.
I want love. Who doesn't? How desperate are we for this ambiguous emotion/choice? I don't really understand love. It is such a strange and powerful thing. It is more than a feeling. I want to be a part of love. To be generous with how I love and interact with those around me.
I want passion. For what, I do not know. It seems a valuable commodity. I want a passion for people. For humanity. For the potential we have in our ability to make choices with every day. I want a passion for 'life to the full.' To see others come to their full potential and to live life well, not missing a single beat.
I want joy. Overflowing, uncontainable... a hope filled joy.
I want purpose. I want to be able to raise my hand again and volunteer my life (which is not actually mine, but given to me). With a willingness to serve others, I want to go. Living with purpose. Sharing life with others.
I want.... music? It seems this desire is different than the others in the way that it is not purely emotional or spiritual. It also happens to be an area of continual challenge and difficulty to me. I want to create and magnify those things that are beautiful in our world. To communicate to a generation of individuals who appear to be as lost as myself. God help us all. With this 'want' comes a recognition that in this, and all these other desires, I am far out of my depth. I am inadequate.
I am not up to the tasks of God - to those of relationship, love, passion, joy, purpose, and music. I am endlessly flawed. Broken and lost. Despite my failings, I still have hope. I hope for more than who I am in this moment. That there is more to life than what it presently is. That with the dawn of each day there is a promise of Gods faithfulness, and consistency. There is a horizon for me to recklessly run towards. It's time I got on my running shoes.
I suppose this note fits into the 'rant' category. Even from writing these things, my mood has changed significantly. Maybe you connect with some of these things as well... maybe none of it makes much sense at all. That's okay too. I am alright with leaving it like that. Both with clarity and confusion... life is certainly a journey.
After writing this, back on Aug 1st, things have changed quite a bit for me. I feel like my joy is really coming back. I am experiencing more moments where my breath is taken away by things that are both simple and beautiful. I don't have answers to a lot of the questions, but there has been a sort of relief. I think that relief is grace.
~David
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Nonsensical Realities
I am in love with peace.
Wisdom is my wife.
Direction is my guide.
Fear is my heart so I hide.
Justice is hugs and tears.
The devil is close.
The dawn is brimming near.
Fight I may not, for I fear.
Beauty is a shy smile.
Happy is a word.
Death answers to us not.
Insecure me, so I stop.
Boredom moves too slowly.
Time plays in movements.
Dance till we pass away.
Friends fly like words, as I may.
Reality is poor.
Dreams are fireworks.
Spark some changes down here.
Bones can still live, so I cheer.
~David
I am not really a poet, and so I do not expect anyone to understand what is being said in these few lines. I am just fine with their lack of external clarity. Simply know that each word was chosen intentionally. Who knows, maybe you might still pull out some truth.
Wisdom is my wife.
Direction is my guide.
Fear is my heart so I hide.
Justice is hugs and tears.
The devil is close.
The dawn is brimming near.
Fight I may not, for I fear.
Beauty is a shy smile.
Happy is a word.
Death answers to us not.
Insecure me, so I stop.
Boredom moves too slowly.
Time plays in movements.
Dance till we pass away.
Friends fly like words, as I may.
Reality is poor.
Dreams are fireworks.
Spark some changes down here.
Bones can still live, so I cheer.
~David
I am not really a poet, and so I do not expect anyone to understand what is being said in these few lines. I am just fine with their lack of external clarity. Simply know that each word was chosen intentionally. Who knows, maybe you might still pull out some truth.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Memory Lane and Pizza Slices
I find myself walking down roads that do not help me. These lanes are not carved into concrete, but indelibly etched within my mind.
How dramatic is that? How drawl.
Sometimes such theatrics make my own stomach turn. Unfortunately, I find a lot of the drama comes from myself. Allow me to start over, and just get to the point:
I spend a lot of time in my own head. Even when I am around people, enjoying the sunshine, or just watching a movie with friends my mind just keeps going. Thinking can really suck sometimes, though it comes with certain benefits. I often realize that I am pondering questions others live their lives without - concepts that some people might consider irrelevant or un-helpful (making up words now). With all this thinking, I find myself dwelling on some topics to the point where their repetition is almost nightmare'ish nightmare'ish nightmare'ish nightmare'ish nightmare'ish nightmare'ish nightmare'ish nightmare'ish nightmare'ish.
Often I will realize, 'this train of thought is actually not helpful to me right now.' But that does not make the thought stop. I am a thinker, it is an ability that comes with an equal antithesis - an antagonist and protagonist of sorts. The battle rages within my mind, and lays waste to my emotions and ability to process reality well.
It is quite exhausting.
I have heard that we are supposed to capture every thought. How does that work exactly? It seems the capturing of these thoughts could equal a great freedom for me. If ever that day comes, suddenly I might no longer be a slave to those thoughts and yearnings that are not appropriate, or helpful. I do hope that day would come soon.
Hmmmm. Not exactly the most positive blog? That is alright. Sometimes life is just like that. The depth of human experience creates a dynamic and contrast that can emphasizes the good moments - I call this the 'Pizza Theory' Allow me to explain:
I enjoy Pepperoni pizza. It is my favorite. It is my pizza of choice but I am mindful of its helper - Hawaiian. If I am enjoying some Pepperoni, eventually the flavor becomes lacking. In that moment I turn to Hawaiian for help. One slice of Ham and Pineapple deliciousness and Pepperoni is ready to taste fantastic again!
I will conclude with one last thought:
Life is like a box of pizza. Choose Pepperoni, but remember to through in some other flavors.
~David
How dramatic is that? How drawl.
Sometimes such theatrics make my own stomach turn. Unfortunately, I find a lot of the drama comes from myself. Allow me to start over, and just get to the point:
I spend a lot of time in my own head. Even when I am around people, enjoying the sunshine, or just watching a movie with friends my mind just keeps going. Thinking can really suck sometimes, though it comes with certain benefits. I often realize that I am pondering questions others live their lives without - concepts that some people might consider irrelevant or un-helpful (making up words now). With all this thinking, I find myself dwelling on some topics to the point where their repetition is almost nightmare'ish nightmare'ish nightmare'ish nightmare'ish nightmare'ish nightmare'ish nightmare'ish nightmare'ish nightmare'ish.
Often I will realize, 'this train of thought is actually not helpful to me right now.' But that does not make the thought stop. I am a thinker, it is an ability that comes with an equal antithesis - an antagonist and protagonist of sorts. The battle rages within my mind, and lays waste to my emotions and ability to process reality well.
It is quite exhausting.
I have heard that we are supposed to capture every thought. How does that work exactly? It seems the capturing of these thoughts could equal a great freedom for me. If ever that day comes, suddenly I might no longer be a slave to those thoughts and yearnings that are not appropriate, or helpful. I do hope that day would come soon.
Hmmmm. Not exactly the most positive blog? That is alright. Sometimes life is just like that. The depth of human experience creates a dynamic and contrast that can emphasizes the good moments - I call this the 'Pizza Theory' Allow me to explain:
I enjoy Pepperoni pizza. It is my favorite. It is my pizza of choice but I am mindful of its helper - Hawaiian. If I am enjoying some Pepperoni, eventually the flavor becomes lacking. In that moment I turn to Hawaiian for help. One slice of Ham and Pineapple deliciousness and Pepperoni is ready to taste fantastic again!
I will conclude with one last thought:
Life is like a box of pizza. Choose Pepperoni, but remember to through in some other flavors.
~David
Sunday, August 9, 2009
.::People::.
Sometimes I pretend that I can see the world through the eyes of someone else. It does not matter who they are, I just close my minds eye and imagine I am seeing life from there perspective. While sitting in City Park I could actually be walking along the lake with a loved one, selling necklaces to passing tourists, or enjoying the water park - maybe even playing harmonica to old jazz and blues tunes while smoking on my cigarettes between bars.
It's silly.
Probably a little odd.
Sometimes odd is okay.
The right to be ridiculous is something I hold dear. Sometimes that means you will look silly.
I like people watching. I guess I am just curious about what makes us tick as 'humanity.' What motivates us? This fascination comes from an inability to understand myself fully. I am looking for an indication that someone actually has 'life' figured out. Finding that person would be like sunshine on a rainy day - a hope that hard times give way to bliss. I am very sure there is no one with it all together, but I am beginning to be more alright with that - even glad at it. Hope comes in other forms - not from the thought of a permanent bliss, but that in recognizing rainy days I can learn from them. Even begin to enjoy them.
I enjoy running in the rain. It's the best time to run.
There was no rain this weekend, but the sunshine was bliss. Sun, friends, tortellini, jogging, hiking, cliff jumping, sailing, Patty Griffin and Ben Harper. Not bad for a weekend.
~David
It's silly.
Probably a little odd.
Sometimes odd is okay.
The right to be ridiculous is something I hold dear. Sometimes that means you will look silly.
I like people watching. I guess I am just curious about what makes us tick as 'humanity.' What motivates us? This fascination comes from an inability to understand myself fully. I am looking for an indication that someone actually has 'life' figured out. Finding that person would be like sunshine on a rainy day - a hope that hard times give way to bliss. I am very sure there is no one with it all together, but I am beginning to be more alright with that - even glad at it. Hope comes in other forms - not from the thought of a permanent bliss, but that in recognizing rainy days I can learn from them. Even begin to enjoy them.
I enjoy running in the rain. It's the best time to run.
There was no rain this weekend, but the sunshine was bliss. Sun, friends, tortellini, jogging, hiking, cliff jumping, sailing, Patty Griffin and Ben Harper. Not bad for a weekend.
~David
Thursday, August 6, 2009
A Letter To The World of Blogging That I Once Knew
Dear Blog,
We used to be friends you know. I would share, and you would listen - offering your sweet replies when they were needed and allowing silence when it was tolerable. This was my great escape, my ripple in the pond. Writing down my thoughts used to be a means of breaking the barriers of thought and insecurity. It was my cry for significance. A shout for those ears who were willing to listen and even more so for those who might relate.
The time that once was gave way to what followed. Years living in the 'real world' writing my thoughts within simple black notebooks while lending my cries to the ears of God and to those friends who would graciously share life with me. Now I return to this medium - Blogging. With hopefully a better sense of grammar and perhaps an aged perspective of existence. I have no idea how I might do in this arena again.
Now there is just one question that could properly initiate this 'blogging' conversation. What have I to offer you?
In truth, I would not like to proceed with such the self proclaiming audacity as to say, "I have a much to offer you!" At the same breathe, I do not wish to downplay the creativity of the One who created me. What have I to offer you? Perspective. Not one that is all encompassing, but one that is different than your own. The details and complexity with which our world exists are simply too vast for any one person to understand. Thus we live life together. With a connectedness to each person that is similarly different than ourselves we are given a great gift. Perspective built around the idea that none of us understands it all, and all of us understand a little. That 'little' is the aspect I am interested in. I will not hold it back! Though it is all I have to offer, I wish to share it. Likewise, I want to hear from you.
You are unique. No one who has lived, and who will ever live, is exactly like you. None is formed by the same past, and none plunges into the future with the same steps. You have something to offer that the world can get from no other. Though it is only a little that you have, I want to learn from it.
Consider this the official invitation. To all who would listen, and to those who might speak, I welcome you all! We are in this life together. It is about time I started sharing it with you, and you with me, in whatever capacity - large or little.
With the fullest sense of the word:
Sincerely,
~David
We used to be friends you know. I would share, and you would listen - offering your sweet replies when they were needed and allowing silence when it was tolerable. This was my great escape, my ripple in the pond. Writing down my thoughts used to be a means of breaking the barriers of thought and insecurity. It was my cry for significance. A shout for those ears who were willing to listen and even more so for those who might relate.
The time that once was gave way to what followed. Years living in the 'real world' writing my thoughts within simple black notebooks while lending my cries to the ears of God and to those friends who would graciously share life with me. Now I return to this medium - Blogging. With hopefully a better sense of grammar and perhaps an aged perspective of existence. I have no idea how I might do in this arena again.
Now there is just one question that could properly initiate this 'blogging' conversation. What have I to offer you?
In truth, I would not like to proceed with such the self proclaiming audacity as to say, "I have a much to offer you!" At the same breathe, I do not wish to downplay the creativity of the One who created me. What have I to offer you? Perspective. Not one that is all encompassing, but one that is different than your own. The details and complexity with which our world exists are simply too vast for any one person to understand. Thus we live life together. With a connectedness to each person that is similarly different than ourselves we are given a great gift. Perspective built around the idea that none of us understands it all, and all of us understand a little. That 'little' is the aspect I am interested in. I will not hold it back! Though it is all I have to offer, I wish to share it. Likewise, I want to hear from you.
You are unique. No one who has lived, and who will ever live, is exactly like you. None is formed by the same past, and none plunges into the future with the same steps. You have something to offer that the world can get from no other. Though it is only a little that you have, I want to learn from it.
Consider this the official invitation. To all who would listen, and to those who might speak, I welcome you all! We are in this life together. It is about time I started sharing it with you, and you with me, in whatever capacity - large or little.
With the fullest sense of the word:
Sincerely,
~David
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