Revisiting Some Words

The Following posting was written at the beginning of this month. At the time I was experiencing one of those moments where boredom, self pity, and loneliness culminated in a significant amount of angst. I think that we all probably get that at one time or another! It is a part of the human condition.

Well, I am just sharing this with the world wide web because, though it begins on a lower note, there is a lot of life in there. Maybe, if ever someone else is having one of those 'down' moments, it will be helpful:




This is one of those notes you may not feel inclined to read, and that is actually more than okay. These words are just an incomplete fragment of who I am and what I feel in this moment. Though my emotions will change, I will not allow that fact to denounce my humanity. Thus I share. This is a letter to the great void of individuals who scour the internet seeking interactions with their fellow man.

I am looking for something. I am quite desperate in my search. While I experience moments of peace they seem to come with little assurance of their lasting. What do I seek? I do not know. What I know is that some topics never seem to leave my consciousness. The repetition of these topics is my only indication they are worth pursuit.

-God

-Relationship

-Love

-Passion

-Joy

-Purpose

-Music

These are my tormentors. These are my brothers. The comrades that surround me with the lack of their presence.

Why can I not rest? Why do I seek these things, yet find myself with an inability to grasp them fully? Why are my desires seemingly poisoned? They are so present - so ingrained in who I am yet they seem unattainable.

"What do I want?" - Connected with desire, this question seems to be of pivotal importance.

I want peace... internally and with the world. I do not know if either is realistic, but I feel so desperate for peace with them both.

I want relationship. I don't even know what that means. Is that relationship with a girl? I don't know. While I am such a mess it would likely not be helpful. I suppose, though the statement seems somehow typical (or meaninglessly spiritual), my hope is that through relationship with God my relationships with people would be different. I hope that I might draw my identity from the creator. I know that sounds so mystical, unrealistic, even naive. Despite whatever pre-conceptions you may have that does not change one thing - God is my hope - my only hope at that.

I want love. Who doesn't? How desperate are we for this ambiguous emotion/choice? I don't really understand love. It is such a strange and powerful thing. It is more than a feeling. I want to be a part of love. To be generous with how I love and interact with those around me.

I want passion. For what, I do not know. It seems a valuable commodity. I want a passion for people. For humanity. For the potential we have in our ability to make choices with every day. I want a passion for 'life to the full.' To see others come to their full potential and to live life well, not missing a single beat.

I want joy. Overflowing, uncontainable... a hope filled joy.

I want purpose. I want to be able to raise my hand again and volunteer my life (which is not actually mine, but given to me). With a willingness to serve others, I want to go. Living with purpose. Sharing life with others.

I want.... music? It seems this desire is different than the others in the way that it is not purely emotional or spiritual. It also happens to be an area of continual challenge and difficulty to me. I want to create and magnify those things that are beautiful in our world. To communicate to a generation of individuals who appear to be as lost as myself. God help us all. With this 'want' comes a recognition that in this, and all these other desires, I am far out of my depth. I am inadequate.

I am not up to the tasks of God - to those of relationship, love, passion, joy, purpose, and music. I am endlessly flawed. Broken and lost. Despite my failings, I still have hope. I hope for more than who I am in this moment. That there is more to life than what it presently is. That with the dawn of each day there is a promise of Gods faithfulness, and consistency. There is a horizon for me to recklessly run towards. It's time I got on my running shoes.

I suppose this note fits into the 'rant' category. Even from writing these things, my mood has changed significantly. Maybe you connect with some of these things as well... maybe none of it makes much sense at all. That's okay too. I am alright with leaving it like that. Both with clarity and confusion... life is certainly a journey.




After writing this, back on Aug 1st, things have changed quite a bit for me. I feel like my joy is really coming back. I am experiencing more moments where my breath is taken away by things that are both simple and beautiful. I don't have answers to a lot of the questions, but there has been a sort of relief. I think that relief is grace.


~David