Butterflies

I have often seen butterflies. They have become an icon of sorts. I never really payed them much attention until today. Their meaning has now changed for me - I think I understand why they are so beautiful.

Butterfly - an insect of the order Lepidoptera. Like all Lepidoptera, butterflies are notable for their unusual life cycle with a larval caterpillar stage, an inactive pupal stage, and a spectacular metamorphosis into a familiar and colorful winged adult form. Most species are day-flying so they regularly attract attention. The diverse patterns formed by their brightly coloured wings and their erratic yet graceful flight have made butterfly watching a hobby.


Even when I was a kid, I felt like I was not yet who I was intended to be. The feeling has continued and intensified as I have matured.

Something does not seem quite right.

I am sure it sounds like a sort of madness, but I do not think I am who I am supposed to be. This thought has thrown me into a sense of loneliness, and has even tried to drown me in sorrow from time to time. I think I am finally coming to terms with this feeling - putting a word to what I am. Once you name something, it seems there is an added understanding of what the object of your naming is.

I am not a butterfly.

I know it is obvious, but I really mean it.

I am not a butterfly.

I wonder, do you think that caterpillars know what they are? What they are becoming? Deep down, I would like to believe they do. This realization is significant but I am not going to spell it out - that is a part of the mystery of it all... the part that makes butterflies amazing.

I have never really watched many butterflies. Now I think I would like to more often.

~David

Whats In A Name?

Questions often flaunt their independence. They play a fake card - in actuality, not being independent at all. Questions are inexorably connected with answers and answers can not exist without questions. They live in an ever-present dance. Each equaling needing the other to survive. The question rolling around in my mind this evening is, "What's on your mind?"

This week has been loaded. A lot going on, and I am finally catching a moment to digest what has transpired, and prepare myself for what is to come. It has been 7 days of change and forward motion. The end of a 9 week internship - the time used to water plants and take care of my mothers garden while she is in Vancouver recovering from surgery - and the focus needed to finish practicing my parts before I embark on a 7 week tour as a keyboardist/programmer for Five Star Streets (myspace.com/fivestarstreets). This week there were birthday parties, and work functions, lunches, and practice times- moments spent dreaming of the future and contemplating the present. It has been a week filled with healthy challenges, and it has left me exhausted.

I am just waiting on the laundry now. One final task for today and then time to get up in the morning and fly to Vancouver to pick up my Mom. I am too tired to finish this entry on any specific point, but as I said, questions lead to answers and answers to questions. There will be plenty of time for more writing, and perhaps more complete thoughts on another day.

~David


I am listening to Bedouin Soundclash (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KiLOb6WDmM) simply enjoying the music, and a peaceful moment - it is good.

Rambling

I am just going to write, and see what happens. Perhaps such unbridled rambling will become an eventual regret - the kind where I read over my own words and choose to edit away those points that are not clear. Maybe I will just write, and let what is said remain.

I ask myself the question, "What are you doing?" with increasing frequency. What am I doing with my time, with my energy, my health, my future plans - what am I doing with my faith? Usually it is a simple, "I don't know," that comes in reply to that question. The reason I ask it is because I am afraid. I do not want to have concluded my life and have lived poorly. I want an existence that has the fingerprints of richest all over it - not the kind of wealth that is seen in monetary value, but one that is built on the foundation of relationship and grows in interest as the strength of those relationships develop.

I also ask this 'self analyzing' question as one that is more general - beyond simply 'me.' I wonder about us. People. What are we doing? Should we be doing something else? Do we actually have a chance? Can God himself be enough for us to change and become better as people? As humanity? Many times I feel that it is a fools hope that it is possible.

Call me a fool.

Why are so many people hurting?

I was listening to the latest Mutemath album this morning. One of the lines stood out to me. The lyric is within the chorus of Pins and Needles:

Oh, and I'm growing fond of broken people,
As I see that I am one of them.

I hurt, because you hurt. I feel pain, because I see pain in us. We are flawed. As CS lewis has written, the human machine is broken. We try to run it for a while, but it is not to long before everything seems to simply break apart and crumble into ashes.

I loved my first car. Pheonix - named as such because it was a black VW Rabbit GTI. I would tell people it was a Pheonix in-between life cycles, so it was not blazing with fire and brilliance, but was black like coal. This past year, there were some issues with the engine. I spent 7+ weeks working on it with a friend. Try as we might, we only got it working well enough that I could drive it home one last time, then it died. I feel like people are a lot like this. We try really hard to be a well oiled, fully functional machine, but some pieces are missing. Some wires lacking, some gears out of place. Something is wrong.

That last point can be pretty depressing, yet I continue to ask, "what are we doing?" Unless I really am a fool, I would stop asking that question if I thought we were unable to change. I think that we can change. Despite the failing I saw with Pheonix, the result largely came from my lack of mechanical experience and knowledge. I suppose this means that part of my hope for humanity comes from the thought that we might gain a knowledge and experience from seeing how humanity has existed in the past. With this learning we might pioneer a new direction, building strong relationships, schools, families, and nations. We can become more than we are right now.

Well, that is the end of lunch break - so ends my rambling (for now at least).


~David

Revisiting Some Words

The Following posting was written at the beginning of this month. At the time I was experiencing one of those moments where boredom, self pity, and loneliness culminated in a significant amount of angst. I think that we all probably get that at one time or another! It is a part of the human condition.

Well, I am just sharing this with the world wide web because, though it begins on a lower note, there is a lot of life in there. Maybe, if ever someone else is having one of those 'down' moments, it will be helpful:




This is one of those notes you may not feel inclined to read, and that is actually more than okay. These words are just an incomplete fragment of who I am and what I feel in this moment. Though my emotions will change, I will not allow that fact to denounce my humanity. Thus I share. This is a letter to the great void of individuals who scour the internet seeking interactions with their fellow man.

I am looking for something. I am quite desperate in my search. While I experience moments of peace they seem to come with little assurance of their lasting. What do I seek? I do not know. What I know is that some topics never seem to leave my consciousness. The repetition of these topics is my only indication they are worth pursuit.

-God

-Relationship

-Love

-Passion

-Joy

-Purpose

-Music

These are my tormentors. These are my brothers. The comrades that surround me with the lack of their presence.

Why can I not rest? Why do I seek these things, yet find myself with an inability to grasp them fully? Why are my desires seemingly poisoned? They are so present - so ingrained in who I am yet they seem unattainable.

"What do I want?" - Connected with desire, this question seems to be of pivotal importance.

I want peace... internally and with the world. I do not know if either is realistic, but I feel so desperate for peace with them both.

I want relationship. I don't even know what that means. Is that relationship with a girl? I don't know. While I am such a mess it would likely not be helpful. I suppose, though the statement seems somehow typical (or meaninglessly spiritual), my hope is that through relationship with God my relationships with people would be different. I hope that I might draw my identity from the creator. I know that sounds so mystical, unrealistic, even naive. Despite whatever pre-conceptions you may have that does not change one thing - God is my hope - my only hope at that.

I want love. Who doesn't? How desperate are we for this ambiguous emotion/choice? I don't really understand love. It is such a strange and powerful thing. It is more than a feeling. I want to be a part of love. To be generous with how I love and interact with those around me.

I want passion. For what, I do not know. It seems a valuable commodity. I want a passion for people. For humanity. For the potential we have in our ability to make choices with every day. I want a passion for 'life to the full.' To see others come to their full potential and to live life well, not missing a single beat.

I want joy. Overflowing, uncontainable... a hope filled joy.

I want purpose. I want to be able to raise my hand again and volunteer my life (which is not actually mine, but given to me). With a willingness to serve others, I want to go. Living with purpose. Sharing life with others.

I want.... music? It seems this desire is different than the others in the way that it is not purely emotional or spiritual. It also happens to be an area of continual challenge and difficulty to me. I want to create and magnify those things that are beautiful in our world. To communicate to a generation of individuals who appear to be as lost as myself. God help us all. With this 'want' comes a recognition that in this, and all these other desires, I am far out of my depth. I am inadequate.

I am not up to the tasks of God - to those of relationship, love, passion, joy, purpose, and music. I am endlessly flawed. Broken and lost. Despite my failings, I still have hope. I hope for more than who I am in this moment. That there is more to life than what it presently is. That with the dawn of each day there is a promise of Gods faithfulness, and consistency. There is a horizon for me to recklessly run towards. It's time I got on my running shoes.

I suppose this note fits into the 'rant' category. Even from writing these things, my mood has changed significantly. Maybe you connect with some of these things as well... maybe none of it makes much sense at all. That's okay too. I am alright with leaving it like that. Both with clarity and confusion... life is certainly a journey.




After writing this, back on Aug 1st, things have changed quite a bit for me. I feel like my joy is really coming back. I am experiencing more moments where my breath is taken away by things that are both simple and beautiful. I don't have answers to a lot of the questions, but there has been a sort of relief. I think that relief is grace.


~David

Nonsensical Realities

I am in love with peace.
Wisdom is my wife.
Direction is my guide.
Fear is my heart so I hide.

Justice is hugs and tears.
The devil is close.
The dawn is brimming near.
Fight I may not, for I fear.

Beauty is a shy smile.
Happy is a word.
Death answers to us not.
Insecure me, so I stop.

Boredom moves too slowly.
Time plays in movements.
Dance till we pass away.
Friends fly like words, as I may.

Reality is poor.
Dreams are fireworks.
Spark some changes down here.
Bones can still live, so I cheer.


~David




I am not really a poet, and so I do not expect anyone to understand what is being said in these few lines. I am just fine with their lack of external clarity. Simply know that each word was chosen intentionally. Who knows, maybe you might still pull out some truth.

Memory Lane and Pizza Slices

I find myself walking down roads that do not help me. These lanes are not carved into concrete, but indelibly etched within my mind.

How dramatic is that? How drawl.

Sometimes such theatrics make my own stomach turn. Unfortunately, I find a lot of the drama comes from myself. Allow me to start over, and just get to the point:

I spend a lot of time in my own head. Even when I am around people, enjoying the sunshine, or just watching a movie with friends my mind just keeps going. Thinking can really suck sometimes, though it comes with certain benefits. I often realize that I am pondering questions others live their lives without - concepts that some people might consider irrelevant or un-helpful (making up words now). With all this thinking, I find myself dwelling on some topics to the point where their repetition is almost nightmare'ish nightmare'ish nightmare'ish nightmare'ish nightmare'ish nightmare'ish nightmare'ish nightmare'ish nightmare'ish.

Often I will realize, 'this train of thought is actually not helpful to me right now.' But that does not make the thought stop. I am a thinker, it is an ability that comes with an equal antithesis - an antagonist and protagonist of sorts. The battle rages within my mind, and lays waste to my emotions and ability to process reality well.

It is quite exhausting.

I have heard that we are supposed to capture every thought. How does that work exactly? It seems the capturing of these thoughts could equal a great freedom for me. If ever that day comes, suddenly I might no longer be a slave to those thoughts and yearnings that are not appropriate, or helpful. I do hope that day would come soon.

Hmmmm. Not exactly the most positive blog? That is alright. Sometimes life is just like that. The depth of human experience creates a dynamic and contrast that can emphasizes the good moments - I call this the 'Pizza Theory' Allow me to explain:

I enjoy Pepperoni pizza. It is my favorite. It is my pizza of choice but I am mindful of its helper - Hawaiian. If I am enjoying some Pepperoni, eventually the flavor becomes lacking. In that moment I turn to Hawaiian for help. One slice of Ham and Pineapple deliciousness and Pepperoni is ready to taste fantastic again!
I will conclude with one last thought:
Life is like a box of pizza. Choose Pepperoni, but remember to through in some other flavors.

~David

.::People::.

Sometimes I pretend that I can see the world through the eyes of someone else. It does not matter who they are, I just close my minds eye and imagine I am seeing life from there perspective. While sitting in City Park I could actually be walking along the lake with a loved one, selling necklaces to passing tourists, or enjoying the water park - maybe even playing harmonica to old jazz and blues tunes while smoking on my cigarettes between bars.

It's silly.

Probably a little odd.

Sometimes odd is okay.

The right to be ridiculous is something I hold dear. Sometimes that means you will look silly.

I like people watching. I guess I am just curious about what makes us tick as 'humanity.' What motivates us? This fascination comes from an inability to understand myself fully. I am looking for an indication that someone actually has 'life' figured out. Finding that person would be like sunshine on a rainy day - a hope that hard times give way to bliss. I am very sure there is no one with it all together, but I am beginning to be more alright with that - even glad at it. Hope comes in other forms - not from the thought of a permanent bliss, but that in recognizing rainy days I can learn from them. Even begin to enjoy them.

I enjoy running in the rain. It's the best time to run.

There was no rain this weekend, but the sunshine was bliss. Sun, friends, tortellini, jogging, hiking, cliff jumping, sailing, Patty Griffin and Ben Harper. Not bad for a weekend.


~David

A Letter To The World of Blogging That I Once Knew

Dear Blog,

We used to be friends you know. I would share, and you would listen - offering your sweet replies when they were needed and allowing silence when it was tolerable. This was my great escape, my ripple in the pond. Writing down my thoughts used to be a means of breaking the barriers of thought and insecurity. It was my cry for significance. A shout for those ears who were willing to listen and even more so for those who might relate.

The time that once was gave way to what followed. Years living in the 'real world' writing my thoughts within simple black notebooks while lending my cries to the ears of God and to those friends who would graciously share life with me. Now I return to this medium - Blogging. With hopefully a better sense of grammar and perhaps an aged perspective of existence. I have no idea how I might do in this arena again.

Now there is just one question that could properly initiate this 'blogging' conversation. What have I to offer you?

In truth, I would not like to proceed with such the self proclaiming audacity as to say, "I have a much to offer you!" At the same breathe, I do not wish to downplay the creativity of the One who created me. What have I to offer you? Perspective. Not one that is all encompassing, but one that is different than your own. The details and complexity with which our world exists are simply too vast for any one person to understand. Thus we live life together. With a connectedness to each person that is similarly different than ourselves we are given a great gift. Perspective built around the idea that none of us understands it all, and all of us understand a little. That 'little' is the aspect I am interested in. I will not hold it back! Though it is all I have to offer, I wish to share it. Likewise, I want to hear from you.

You are unique. No one who has lived, and who will ever live, is exactly like you. None is formed by the same past, and none plunges into the future with the same steps. You have something to offer that the world can get from no other. Though it is only a little that you have, I want to learn from it.

Consider this the official invitation. To all who would listen, and to those who might speak, I welcome you all! We are in this life together. It is about time I started sharing it with you, and you with me, in whatever capacity - large or little.

With the fullest sense of the word:

Sincerely,


~David