6:00am
Alarm on, Alarm off.
Wake up.
Snippet of news - Cheery way to begin.
Run? Read Bible?
Disciplined today?
Sometimes not.
Make lunch,
Pack lunch,
Leave with lunch.
Board to work.
Bored at work?
Is grateful for work.
Continues to work.
Yet...
Feels stuck.
Spinning wheels.
What now.
What matters?
4:00pm
Something fun.
Something boring.
Smart choices?
Something unhealthy.
Feels stuck.
Guilt.
Regret.
Repent?
10:00pm
Sleep.
Struggle to sleep.
Morning.
Alarm on, Alarm off.
It is just the beginning of a New Day. Choose well.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Friday, March 5, 2010
“Get busy living, or get busy dying...”
I have never killed anyone or robbed a bank, but I feel like I am doing time. My prison is one with open doors. Somehow that makes it worse. My punishment is living without the courage to walk through those doors.
I sometimes wish that I had done something really terrible. Worth the remorse, pain, and guilt. I waver back and forth. Often believing that I am pretty bad, but thinking myself alright when I just can’t handle feeling bad anymore. I am sure that no one is innocent. Yet convinced as I am that I do not deserve it, I yearn for life abundant.
There’s a harsh truth to face. No way I’m going to make it on the outside, not the way others seem to. I can’t live an ordinary life. All I do anymore is think of ways to break ‘out’, so maybe things would change, and I might find freedom. I do not even know what that freedom looks like. Peace. Light. Life. Clarity. I want to go there. I want to bring you with me.
Terrible thing, to live in fear. All I want is to be back where things make sense. Where I won’t have to be afraid all the time. I do not know if I have ever known such a place. But I hope that it does indeed exist. Despite the prison I may face, that hope can not be taken from me.
“Get busy living, or get busy dying...”
I choose life.
I sometimes wish that I had done something really terrible. Worth the remorse, pain, and guilt. I waver back and forth. Often believing that I am pretty bad, but thinking myself alright when I just can’t handle feeling bad anymore. I am sure that no one is innocent. Yet convinced as I am that I do not deserve it, I yearn for life abundant.
There’s a harsh truth to face. No way I’m going to make it on the outside, not the way others seem to. I can’t live an ordinary life. All I do anymore is think of ways to break ‘out’, so maybe things would change, and I might find freedom. I do not even know what that freedom looks like. Peace. Light. Life. Clarity. I want to go there. I want to bring you with me.
Terrible thing, to live in fear. All I want is to be back where things make sense. Where I won’t have to be afraid all the time. I do not know if I have ever known such a place. But I hope that it does indeed exist. Despite the prison I may face, that hope can not be taken from me.
“Get busy living, or get busy dying...”
I choose life.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Fear
Tonight I was long boarding and having a conversation about fear with my friend Anthony. Without a single moments of fore-warning I found myself laying on the concrete. A fresh sensation of pain and adrenalin moved through my left arm and leg. All it takes is a single rebellious shoe lace to bring me down. Yet, somehow I think it was more than a fall.
Is this God's teaching method?
As I returned home to clean my wounds, it dawned on me how afraid I have been of falling. I don't want to stuff 'it' all up ('it' being life), and I end up being paralyzed thinking that any misstep might result in the worst of situations occurring. When I delve deeper into my own thoughts, I realize how ridiculous a notion this is. Do I think to myself that I might one day anticipate all scenarios and make the 'perfect' choice in direction? What a silly thought! Of course I will never have it all figured out. Yet, how do I find the balance between risk, and calculation?
My elbow is bleeding now that it is cleaned. Somehow I am the better for it. I think that I would rather bleed and live than fear and remain as I am. I think that as we get older, it is easier to see failure exclusively as a bad thing. When children fall, should they not learn to pick themselves up? Are we really so different when we age?
I want to be alright with falling. I want to understand it better, and move forward being 'bettered' as a result.
Is this God's teaching method?
As I returned home to clean my wounds, it dawned on me how afraid I have been of falling. I don't want to stuff 'it' all up ('it' being life), and I end up being paralyzed thinking that any misstep might result in the worst of situations occurring. When I delve deeper into my own thoughts, I realize how ridiculous a notion this is. Do I think to myself that I might one day anticipate all scenarios and make the 'perfect' choice in direction? What a silly thought! Of course I will never have it all figured out. Yet, how do I find the balance between risk, and calculation?
My elbow is bleeding now that it is cleaned. Somehow I am the better for it. I think that I would rather bleed and live than fear and remain as I am. I think that as we get older, it is easier to see failure exclusively as a bad thing. When children fall, should they not learn to pick themselves up? Are we really so different when we age?
I want to be alright with falling. I want to understand it better, and move forward being 'bettered' as a result.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
The Nitty Gritty
I suppose this is a good position to be in - I don't care what others might think if they read this. Right now, I just need to vent. The endless cosmos of the 'inter-web' is just the place!
Lunch comes by again. Another day, another 30 minutes. My mind seems to capitalize on these few moments between the morning and afternoon to perform its mutiny. As soon as this barrage of self pittying thoughts enter my head I try to block them out. "You are really grateful for having this job" and, "This is setting you up for the next step" are my only defenses against a mental breakdown. It is true that I am grateful, but I am also weary. Worn out by living a 'part time life - full time job' existence. Is this what I was made for? I sincerely hope not.
At this stage in my mental conversation fear starts to grip me. "Will I ever have the courage to break out of here when the time is right?" I look around and think of how many people have gone before me - as they mature, they become less willing to fight against the norm. Less able to fight for what is really true and right. I fear complacency, because it is a quality no human seems to be able to avoid.
The conversation continues... this is the point where I call out to God. I really need You! How might a drowning man save himself? He can not. This is where I need you to break it. Bust through the clouds and change everything. But I know that you don't often work that way. Your plans are higher, and wider than that. So I will continue forward. I trust that you are doing what is right. I am putting my faith out on the table.Can you change things with something so small?
I hope so.
Lunch comes by again. Another day, another 30 minutes. My mind seems to capitalize on these few moments between the morning and afternoon to perform its mutiny. As soon as this barrage of self pittying thoughts enter my head I try to block them out. "You are really grateful for having this job" and, "This is setting you up for the next step" are my only defenses against a mental breakdown. It is true that I am grateful, but I am also weary. Worn out by living a 'part time life - full time job' existence. Is this what I was made for? I sincerely hope not.
At this stage in my mental conversation fear starts to grip me. "Will I ever have the courage to break out of here when the time is right?" I look around and think of how many people have gone before me - as they mature, they become less willing to fight against the norm. Less able to fight for what is really true and right. I fear complacency, because it is a quality no human seems to be able to avoid.
The conversation continues... this is the point where I call out to God. I really need You! How might a drowning man save himself? He can not. This is where I need you to break it. Bust through the clouds and change everything. But I know that you don't often work that way. Your plans are higher, and wider than that. So I will continue forward. I trust that you are doing what is right. I am putting my faith out on the table.Can you change things with something so small?
I hope so.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Save Me
I am drowning.
I am not sure I really know you. If I did, I might be different.
Is this a dissonance caused by youth?
I am hungry, and thirsty, yet so often these desires are not for you.
I am a double minded individual. I crave polar opposites and it scares me.
How far might I go in the wrong direction before seeing a way out?
Can I ever fix this?
I suppose a drowning man never could save himself.
I am a blind man in a light room - I am going to need a miracle to get out of the dark.
I am not sure I really know you. If I did, I might be different.
Is this a dissonance caused by youth?
I am hungry, and thirsty, yet so often these desires are not for you.
I am a double minded individual. I crave polar opposites and it scares me.
How far might I go in the wrong direction before seeing a way out?
Can I ever fix this?
I suppose a drowning man never could save himself.
I am a blind man in a light room - I am going to need a miracle to get out of the dark.
Friday, January 22, 2010
The One Who Changes Names
I woke up a betrayer.
I am treason on the edge.
My every inclination is destruction.
Why do you draw near?
If you are my king,
I am your Judas.
I kissed you in the garden
And set myself up as God.
Shame covers me in darkness.
How did I come to love the dark?
Am I beyond your reach?
Do you know what I am?
Long have you known me
Long have I cursed you.
Long have you whispered love to me.
Long have I feared you.
You should have imprisoned me,
Yet I rome free -unable to accept my freedom.
How can I forget what I have done?
Can you erase the past?
Your blessings are fire to my bones
How can I accept them, traitor that I am?
I deserve nothing but death,
Yet you grant life.
You are grace.
You are righteousness.
All knowing.
All powerful.
You are - yet you love me.
I am treason on the edge.
My every inclination is destruction.
Why do you draw near?
If you are my king,
I am your Judas.
I kissed you in the garden
And set myself up as God.
Shame covers me in darkness.
How did I come to love the dark?
Am I beyond your reach?
Do you know what I am?
Long have you known me
Long have I cursed you.
Long have you whispered love to me.
Long have I feared you.
You should have imprisoned me,
Yet I rome free -unable to accept my freedom.
How can I forget what I have done?
Can you erase the past?
Your blessings are fire to my bones
How can I accept them, traitor that I am?
I deserve nothing but death,
Yet you grant life.
You are grace.
You are righteousness.
All knowing.
All powerful.
You are - yet you love me.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
The Fear of Age
I am 22 years, 7 months, 11 days, 13 hours, and 36 minutes old.
37 minutes...
38 minutes...
39 minutes...
According to Deathclock.com I approximately 1,614,497,700 seconds left to live.
Time can very quickly become the enemy.
I am afraid of aging not because I am desperate to retain youth - in fact, I look forward to having years of experience and wisdom - but because I am afraid of who I might inadvertently become. I think there are very few individuals who set out to cause chaos with their lives. Very few 6 year old's that dream of becoming the 'Hitlers' of our time. So how does it happen? Where do the murderers, rapists, thieves, extortionists, liars, and deadbeat dads come from? How easy it is for any one of us to gradually become the things we once despised.
As a person ages it seems to become increasingly more difficult to take risks, to fight for what is right despite the cost, and to choose different patterns or behaviors than you have in the past. The difficulty of these things also seems to compound the older one gets. If you are stuck in a bad place, it is hard to change because it took a long time to get there.
Along with adult levels of responsibility come adult levels of absurd business and narrow mindedness. Under such circumstances, it is far too easy to find oneself stuck. In an immovable place neither you, not anyone you know can get you out of.
How can this be prevented?
I fear that as time goes on, pressure will mount. It will be harder to make the right choices and not be washed away by the flow of time and age.
I hope that somehow by glimpsing this pattern early on, I might be able to prevent a living rigor mortis. I do not want to get stuck. I want to live life to the full!
~David
37 minutes...
38 minutes...
39 minutes...
According to Deathclock.com I approximately 1,614,497,700 seconds left to live.
Time can very quickly become the enemy.
I am afraid of aging not because I am desperate to retain youth - in fact, I look forward to having years of experience and wisdom - but because I am afraid of who I might inadvertently become. I think there are very few individuals who set out to cause chaos with their lives. Very few 6 year old's that dream of becoming the 'Hitlers' of our time. So how does it happen? Where do the murderers, rapists, thieves, extortionists, liars, and deadbeat dads come from? How easy it is for any one of us to gradually become the things we once despised.
As a person ages it seems to become increasingly more difficult to take risks, to fight for what is right despite the cost, and to choose different patterns or behaviors than you have in the past. The difficulty of these things also seems to compound the older one gets. If you are stuck in a bad place, it is hard to change because it took a long time to get there.
Along with adult levels of responsibility come adult levels of absurd business and narrow mindedness. Under such circumstances, it is far too easy to find oneself stuck. In an immovable place neither you, not anyone you know can get you out of.
How can this be prevented?
I fear that as time goes on, pressure will mount. It will be harder to make the right choices and not be washed away by the flow of time and age.
I hope that somehow by glimpsing this pattern early on, I might be able to prevent a living rigor mortis. I do not want to get stuck. I want to live life to the full!
~David
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