I suppose this is a good position to be in - I don't care what others might think if they read this. Right now, I just need to vent. The endless cosmos of the 'inter-web' is just the place!
Lunch comes by again. Another day, another 30 minutes. My mind seems to capitalize on these few moments between the morning and afternoon to perform its mutiny. As soon as this barrage of self pittying thoughts enter my head I try to block them out. "You are really grateful for having this job" and, "This is setting you up for the next step" are my only defenses against a mental breakdown. It is true that I am grateful, but I am also weary. Worn out by living a 'part time life - full time job' existence. Is this what I was made for? I sincerely hope not.
At this stage in my mental conversation fear starts to grip me. "Will I ever have the courage to break out of here when the time is right?" I look around and think of how many people have gone before me - as they mature, they become less willing to fight against the norm. Less able to fight for what is really true and right. I fear complacency, because it is a quality no human seems to be able to avoid.
The conversation continues... this is the point where I call out to God. I really need You! How might a drowning man save himself? He can not. This is where I need you to break it. Bust through the clouds and change everything. But I know that you don't often work that way. Your plans are higher, and wider than that. So I will continue forward. I trust that you are doing what is right. I am putting my faith out on the table.Can you change things with something so small?
I hope so.
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