Remember

15 is not easy.

Much to the contrary.

While a fifteen year old's problems seem like a 'phase' in the eyes of the aged, to me 15 was all I had.

I hated youth group.

I spent a lot of time hating youth group.

I thought that I was very mature for my age. As a result youth group left a severe distaste in my mouth every single Wednesday. I did not like games, worship, or small group - I detested nearly everything about it. During the drives home I would painstakingly share my anguish in the hopes that mother might not have me return the following week.

Despite the 'adult' perception I had of myself there was one quality that embodied my thoughts and behaviors far more than 'maturity':

Fear.

I had gone through elementary school playing with a lot of the same friends throughout. It seems that spending all that time with one group inadvertently increased my shyness around unfamiliar people. I hated youth group because I was afraid.

I did not have much of a backbone.

I had a shell.

I hid in that introverted place alone.

I may have been safe from external sources, but inside I was still dying of insecurity and loneliness. Not very safe at all.

Something had to change.

Fast forward to present tense.

A friend of mine recently asked me, "If someone asked you what the Gospel means to you, what would you say." I do not have a very good answer to that question. There is a typical answer available, but I can not help but to say where I am at rather than regurgitating information that, while ultimately true, is not true to me just yet.

The 'gospel' is complicated. It is actually quite messy. I think that I get the concepts, but I have a hard time knowing how to walk them out. There is a lot I don't understand about church, miracles, the cross, the bible, and God, but I do know something that can be equally important.

I remember who I was.

To me, one facet of the gospel stands out to me at this time - change. While I still carry remnants of fear and insecurity from my youth, I am different in so many ways. Some new fears come along, and I have doubts a lot of the time, but I can look back and see how I was living without hope. I was dying, even though I claimed to 'know Jesus.'

The change I experienced did not occur simply because of my age. I was on an entirely different trajectory when I was 15. I was shy, insecure, afraid, angry, and self destructive. In that place, there was no way out, but now I find myself having traveled around the world, meeting new people and sharing life with them. I have taken that shell and thrown it far away. I may still be an introvert at heart, but something has changed of these past 7 years. Even more exciting than all that, I am not finished being changed - much to the contrary - the change has only just begun.

I suppose I did not entirely answer my friends question. Lets just say this - The gospel is very complicated to me, but I know it to be true because I have already seen its affect on my life. I may not entirely understand what has happened to me, but I want it to continue.

I want it to continue for everyone.


~David

Here I am

It has been a while since last I spared a moment to capture my thoughts and dreams. I think I have been afraid to write my way through last few days. I did not know what to say to the endless void.

This is an entry written to music. As such, I believe it should be read while listening to music. I recommend this:

http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/album/In_Bruges/2851385

I have played more video games in the past two weeks than the last 3 years. This is a good indication that I am trying to avoid responsibility and difficult decisions. There is a certain twang in realizing that.

I have been meandering closer still to a crossroads. Like the point in time when Tarzan must release one vine and choose the next, I have come to this hinge moment in need of direction. Where to next? I think that is the question I have been half heartedly avoiding for the past 6 months. The point of decision is certainly near.

What will it take to become the person I must?

What does it take for dreams to come to fruition?

I feel as though a great many of the worlds challenges might have prevented had individuals made the difficult decisions necessary for them to fully unlock their potential. One of my greatest fears is that I might live out my days having missed the the mark - having chosen poorly, moving away from who I could have been.

All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing

~Edmund Burke

I do not know why, but this quote came to mind. I do not want to live my life having done nothing - having simply been a 'good man.' I do not want to settle with being 'nice.'

~David