Do you ever feel like you are loosing your mind? It is a deeply terrifying place to be.
Just as a forewarning - you may want to stop reading right now, though secretly I wish you might continue.
I am writing out of an inexpressible desperation (yet I am trying to write and express myself all the same - how funny is that?). There is no 'point' to this blog, no insight into the inner workings of humanity or any clever artistic expression of who I am. This is simply the writings of desperation. I hope that somehow by typing out I might be able to get some sleep and, more importantly, some rest.
I feel as though I am drowning within the confines of my own mind. Swirling around in my skull are many different thoughts. These fragmented strains of processed information cover a wide range... of God, relationship, my future, social awkwardness, music, purpose, dating, money, education, family, tour, singing, writing, value, heart, bible reading, church, work, job security, insecurity, segregation, individuality, lies, angst, peace, hope... on and on. It does not seem to stop.
I yearn for peace and rest.
Though I know these immediate emotions will pass, I feel trapped. What brought me to this place has not disappeared. There is obviously something wrong. Something has gone rotten. I have yet to name what has gone bad - I do not know exactly what has brought me to this point, or how to escape.
Unfortunately, I am fully aware how lame, dramatic, over the top, desperate, and pathetic this blog may be. I can not explain why I write as I do... it is foolish, but I need to do something.
All I can think to say is this:
Crap.
AND
God help me.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Road Dreams, Open Skies, and Barren Plains
644 Miles
11 hours
3 movies
Hamish and Andy (http://www.hamishandandy.com/)
Shane (our amazing GPS navigator with an Australian accent)
Even with all these good things, being on the road is incredibly difficult for me. I do not know exactly why. I have often fantasized about getting in my car and driving away from Kelowna - leaving it all behind like "Into The Wild" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cy6iwP9Ux3A). Having no idea where I was going, who I might meet, or when I might stop. I would leave it all, and be all the better for it...
Freedom.
Even while yearning for this sense of freedom, road trips have yet to be as romantic as the images I have in my head. They are really hard! While I can maintain a calm exterior, my mind tends to race between many ridiculous annoyances.
The music is too loud.
The temperature is just not right.
Your elbow is in my side.
I realize just how petty and selfish I am. The road is not a gentle refiner, but she is good. She shows me who I am when things turn bad. She warns me of who I have the potential to become and grants me an opportunity to change and learn.
There is something about the open road that makes you think about life, God, purpose, people, friendship, and relationship. Who am I? Where am I going? Where are we going?
Today, as we were driving through the endless plains of Idaho my mind seemed to sharpen. Despite the challenges that accompany travel, this is what I want to be doing right now. Lack of sleep, and a lengthy driving schedule suddenly appear like such small barriers in the grand scheme of things. I am traveling with 7 really amazing friends, creating music, building relationships and sharing life with people around North America. What a massive opportunity! I want to take this time, and run with it with everything I have.
Even while pondering the tour my mind still darted between topics as I watched the rolling hills wander lazily past my window. I wondered about my future. What am I doing with my life - what is the next step? If 'life direction' wasn't complicated enough, I also yearn to share life with someone one day. Is now at all the right time for such a thing? I wonder if such thoughts are helpful, or just distracting.
I think that it is easy to be consumed by ones own thoughts. fortunately, staring at the beautiful open sky, all those things seemed to not matter too much. I am okay with not having it all figured out - it has taken a while to get to such a place. There is a time for everything, and now is the time for searching and questioning these things, enjoying music, time on the road, good friends, food, concerts, and conversations.
More immediately, now is the time for sleep. Another concert tomorrow, who knows what each day can bring!
~David
11 hours
3 movies
Hamish and Andy (http://www.hamishandandy.com/)
Shane (our amazing GPS navigator with an Australian accent)
Even with all these good things, being on the road is incredibly difficult for me. I do not know exactly why. I have often fantasized about getting in my car and driving away from Kelowna - leaving it all behind like "Into The Wild" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cy6iwP9Ux3A). Having no idea where I was going, who I might meet, or when I might stop. I would leave it all, and be all the better for it...
Freedom.
Even while yearning for this sense of freedom, road trips have yet to be as romantic as the images I have in my head. They are really hard! While I can maintain a calm exterior, my mind tends to race between many ridiculous annoyances.
The music is too loud.
The temperature is just not right.
Your elbow is in my side.
I realize just how petty and selfish I am. The road is not a gentle refiner, but she is good. She shows me who I am when things turn bad. She warns me of who I have the potential to become and grants me an opportunity to change and learn.
There is something about the open road that makes you think about life, God, purpose, people, friendship, and relationship. Who am I? Where am I going? Where are we going?
Today, as we were driving through the endless plains of Idaho my mind seemed to sharpen. Despite the challenges that accompany travel, this is what I want to be doing right now. Lack of sleep, and a lengthy driving schedule suddenly appear like such small barriers in the grand scheme of things. I am traveling with 7 really amazing friends, creating music, building relationships and sharing life with people around North America. What a massive opportunity! I want to take this time, and run with it with everything I have.
Even while pondering the tour my mind still darted between topics as I watched the rolling hills wander lazily past my window. I wondered about my future. What am I doing with my life - what is the next step? If 'life direction' wasn't complicated enough, I also yearn to share life with someone one day. Is now at all the right time for such a thing? I wonder if such thoughts are helpful, or just distracting.
I think that it is easy to be consumed by ones own thoughts. fortunately, staring at the beautiful open sky, all those things seemed to not matter too much. I am okay with not having it all figured out - it has taken a while to get to such a place. There is a time for everything, and now is the time for searching and questioning these things, enjoying music, time on the road, good friends, food, concerts, and conversations.
More immediately, now is the time for sleep. Another concert tomorrow, who knows what each day can bring!
~David
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Crazy, And Okay With It.
We have been told that this is crazy.
Five Star Streets (www.myspace.com/fivestarstreets) is currently comprised of 4 members:
BJ - Drums
Mike - Guitar/Vocals
Dan - Bass
Myself - Keys/programming
Dan has been playing bass for 3 weeks. I have been learning these 13 songs for 2 months. We have only played as a band for a few days, and we have now played 2 shows to some 150+ people.
Maybe we are crazy. Maybe ‘crazy’ is part of the fuel that makes this whole thing work.
I must say, this whole process has been insanely challenging for me. I would consider myself a musician, but as a music composer, and drummer first. I can play piano, but it has been a whole different game learning someone else’s songs. The past couple days have been spent with many long hours, and time into the early morning, working on parts and practicing. We are still not at 100% strength, but things seem to be coming to coming together with unusual clarity and high quality.
Yesterday we had a show in a town called Masulla (not sure how it is spelled), a city that is two hours away from Kalispell. The gig was at the local university, but we were unable to get into the facility until around 4:30/5. When you have to play a show in just a couple hours, that is not a lot of time! Fortunately, we may be just a little crazy.
During the 2 or so hours that we had, we managed to not only set up our stage arrangement, but gather together several dozen cables (for intruments, monitors ect.) and arrange a set of two mixing boards and front of house speakers. Nearly all of our equipment had to come into place, and it all ended up coming from some 5 different sources that our local contact brought together. Unless you are unsure - that is just insane!
When the show was finally in place, the night went amazingly. Some 60+ people showed up, and there was tons of dancing, clapping and excitement in the room as we played through our set. We also sold quite a few Cd’s - the profit of which goes to the Marine Reach ship tour that YWAM (The organization we are working with) will be sending up the coast of Australia and over to PNG to bring medical aid to that country.
There was every reason for last night to absolutely suck. So many things had to come together, but it really all did. There is still a lot of work and practice to be done, but how can I not share of what happened thus far, it really is incredible what God has been doing. I do not really understand how he operates, but I think I would have to be both crazy and a fool to not recognize that something bigger took place for last night to come together as it did.
More tour updates to come!
~David
Here are some pictures from the last couple days:
Five Star Streets (www.myspace.com/fivestarstreets) is currently comprised of 4 members:
BJ - Drums
Mike - Guitar/Vocals
Dan - Bass
Myself - Keys/programming
Dan has been playing bass for 3 weeks. I have been learning these 13 songs for 2 months. We have only played as a band for a few days, and we have now played 2 shows to some 150+ people.
Maybe we are crazy. Maybe ‘crazy’ is part of the fuel that makes this whole thing work.
I must say, this whole process has been insanely challenging for me. I would consider myself a musician, but as a music composer, and drummer first. I can play piano, but it has been a whole different game learning someone else’s songs. The past couple days have been spent with many long hours, and time into the early morning, working on parts and practicing. We are still not at 100% strength, but things seem to be coming to coming together with unusual clarity and high quality.
Yesterday we had a show in a town called Masulla (not sure how it is spelled), a city that is two hours away from Kalispell. The gig was at the local university, but we were unable to get into the facility until around 4:30/5. When you have to play a show in just a couple hours, that is not a lot of time! Fortunately, we may be just a little crazy.
During the 2 or so hours that we had, we managed to not only set up our stage arrangement, but gather together several dozen cables (for intruments, monitors ect.) and arrange a set of two mixing boards and front of house speakers. Nearly all of our equipment had to come into place, and it all ended up coming from some 5 different sources that our local contact brought together. Unless you are unsure - that is just insane!
When the show was finally in place, the night went amazingly. Some 60+ people showed up, and there was tons of dancing, clapping and excitement in the room as we played through our set. We also sold quite a few Cd’s - the profit of which goes to the Marine Reach ship tour that YWAM (The organization we are working with) will be sending up the coast of Australia and over to PNG to bring medical aid to that country.
There was every reason for last night to absolutely suck. So many things had to come together, but it really all did. There is still a lot of work and practice to be done, but how can I not share of what happened thus far, it really is incredible what God has been doing. I do not really understand how he operates, but I think I would have to be both crazy and a fool to not recognize that something bigger took place for last night to come together as it did.
More tour updates to come!
~David
Here are some pictures from the last couple days:
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Gratefulness
This is going to be one of those 'free form' blogs - I am a tired and much of these thoughts are not going to be well articulated.
I am currently sitting at a computer here in Kalispell Montana on the day of our first show of a 7 week tour. With lack of sleep, and a difficult task ahead, it is really easy to become anxious, stressed, and agitated - I think that I have encountered all these feelings within the past several days and weeks. When these moments come, it seems rather too easy to do things and say things that you regret later. I want to prevent such things from happening so this morning, with the Montana sunrise just off my left, I want to simply recount what got me to this place, and be grateful. Taking moments to be grateful seem to do away with the anxiety, stress, and regretful comments or actions before they come.
This tale starts over a year ago. I was in Australia on a School of Music in Missions (SOMM). Throughout the course of the school, I started to feel like maybe I was supposed to go into the music industry professionally. I don't really understand the whole 'hearing God' thing, but if this was possible, and it was God, I wanted to raise my hand and say, "God, I don't know what you are up to, but I am willing - even though it will come with a cost." I started to look at my current skill-set and new that there was a lot of work to do before I would be able to come anywhere near the music industry, so I prayerfully moved forward. Taking every precaution, having every safety in place. I thought that I was doing everything right, and that it would just start to fall into place - it didn't. Everything in my life seemed to fall apart somehow. I felt poisoned, in a way I simply can not describe. My mood changed, my thoughts changed, and I really started to believe so many lies about myself and others. It really sucked.
I decided to put that big dream aside for a time, to re-evaluate my priorities, and drain that poison that seemed to consume me. I was getting along just fine, trying to live life well, and find joy again, when I get contacted by a friend of mine. Mike was my school leader for the SOMM, and he invited my to go on a 7 week tour with his band (myspace.com/fivestarstreets). I really did not know what to think of this request.
Do you ever find that God gives you the things you want the most, only after you no longer crave them? Then you find out that you still did want that thing, but that your priorities were now in the right order for you to actually enjoy that thing fully. I do not know if this happens to anyone else... it happens to me a lot.
It looked like this opportunity was everything I wanted all this past year but there was still one matter remaining. I am a music composer, drummer and piano player (and in that order). I would be playing in the band as a keyboardist/programmer - a position I have never had, and am not really all that experienced in. A lot of practice was needed during these past 2 months and it was the hardest thing I think I could have done during that time. It has come together really slowly. I still feel a bit inadequate to the task that is before me, but I recognize that something has happened to bring all this together. This past year has been incredibly challenging. I have been at many of my lowest points ever during this year, but I am beginning to understand this concept of grace, and it is what has kept me sane.
I do not know if the tone of this entry will actually seem like gratefulness, but I really have just seen how this whole thing has come together in a way I could not have arranged or planned. I am truly grateful to be sitting here now on the brink of this tour. I think that writing this out has helped to instill some of that gratitude in me so that I can face today's challenges with a few less regretful comments, actions, and with less stress.
Well, that is it for now. I hope to write other entries during this tour. I also hope that any following blogs will be a bit clearer, I am not really on my A-game with writing this morning...
~David
I am currently sitting at a computer here in Kalispell Montana on the day of our first show of a 7 week tour. With lack of sleep, and a difficult task ahead, it is really easy to become anxious, stressed, and agitated - I think that I have encountered all these feelings within the past several days and weeks. When these moments come, it seems rather too easy to do things and say things that you regret later. I want to prevent such things from happening so this morning, with the Montana sunrise just off my left, I want to simply recount what got me to this place, and be grateful. Taking moments to be grateful seem to do away with the anxiety, stress, and regretful comments or actions before they come.
This tale starts over a year ago. I was in Australia on a School of Music in Missions (SOMM). Throughout the course of the school, I started to feel like maybe I was supposed to go into the music industry professionally. I don't really understand the whole 'hearing God' thing, but if this was possible, and it was God, I wanted to raise my hand and say, "God, I don't know what you are up to, but I am willing - even though it will come with a cost." I started to look at my current skill-set and new that there was a lot of work to do before I would be able to come anywhere near the music industry, so I prayerfully moved forward. Taking every precaution, having every safety in place. I thought that I was doing everything right, and that it would just start to fall into place - it didn't. Everything in my life seemed to fall apart somehow. I felt poisoned, in a way I simply can not describe. My mood changed, my thoughts changed, and I really started to believe so many lies about myself and others. It really sucked.
I decided to put that big dream aside for a time, to re-evaluate my priorities, and drain that poison that seemed to consume me. I was getting along just fine, trying to live life well, and find joy again, when I get contacted by a friend of mine. Mike was my school leader for the SOMM, and he invited my to go on a 7 week tour with his band (myspace.com/fivestarstreets). I really did not know what to think of this request.
Do you ever find that God gives you the things you want the most, only after you no longer crave them? Then you find out that you still did want that thing, but that your priorities were now in the right order for you to actually enjoy that thing fully. I do not know if this happens to anyone else... it happens to me a lot.
It looked like this opportunity was everything I wanted all this past year but there was still one matter remaining. I am a music composer, drummer and piano player (and in that order). I would be playing in the band as a keyboardist/programmer - a position I have never had, and am not really all that experienced in. A lot of practice was needed during these past 2 months and it was the hardest thing I think I could have done during that time. It has come together really slowly. I still feel a bit inadequate to the task that is before me, but I recognize that something has happened to bring all this together. This past year has been incredibly challenging. I have been at many of my lowest points ever during this year, but I am beginning to understand this concept of grace, and it is what has kept me sane.
I do not know if the tone of this entry will actually seem like gratefulness, but I really have just seen how this whole thing has come together in a way I could not have arranged or planned. I am truly grateful to be sitting here now on the brink of this tour. I think that writing this out has helped to instill some of that gratitude in me so that I can face today's challenges with a few less regretful comments, actions, and with less stress.
Well, that is it for now. I hope to write other entries during this tour. I also hope that any following blogs will be a bit clearer, I am not really on my A-game with writing this morning...
~David
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)