Fear

Tonight I was long boarding and having a conversation about fear with my friend Anthony. Without a single moments of fore-warning I found myself laying on the concrete. A fresh sensation of pain and adrenalin moved through my left arm and leg. All it takes is a single rebellious shoe lace to bring me down. Yet, somehow I think it was more than a fall.

Is this God's teaching method?

As I returned home to clean my wounds, it dawned on me how afraid I have been of falling. I don't want to stuff 'it' all up ('it' being life), and I end up being paralyzed thinking that any misstep might result in the worst of situations occurring. When I delve deeper into my own thoughts, I realize how ridiculous a notion this is. Do I think to myself that I might one day anticipate all scenarios and make the 'perfect' choice in direction? What a silly thought! Of course I will never have it all figured out. Yet, how do I find the balance between risk, and calculation?

My elbow is bleeding now that it is cleaned. Somehow I am the better for it. I think that I would rather bleed and live than fear and remain as I am. I think that as we get older, it is easier to see failure exclusively as a bad thing. When children fall, should they not learn to pick themselves up? Are we really so different when we age?

I want to be alright with falling. I want to understand it better, and move forward being 'bettered' as a result.

The Nitty Gritty

I suppose this is a good position to be in - I don't care what others might think if they read this. Right now, I just need to vent. The endless cosmos of the 'inter-web' is just the place!

Lunch comes by again. Another day, another 30 minutes. My mind seems to capitalize on these few moments between the morning and afternoon to perform its mutiny. As soon as this barrage of self pittying thoughts enter my head I try to block them out. "You are really grateful for having this job" and, "This is setting you up for the next step" are my only defenses against a mental breakdown. It is true that I am grateful, but I am also weary. Worn out by living a 'part time life - full time job' existence. Is this what I was made for? I sincerely hope not.

At this stage in my mental conversation fear starts to grip me. "Will I ever have the courage to break out of here when the time is right?" I look around and think of how many people have gone before me - as they mature, they become less willing to fight against the norm. Less able to fight for what is really true and right. I fear complacency, because it is a quality no human seems to be able to avoid.

The conversation continues... this is the point where I call out to God. I really need You! How might a drowning man save himself? He can not. This is where I need you to break it. Bust through the clouds and change everything. But I know that you don't often work that way. Your plans are higher, and wider than that. So I will continue forward. I trust that you are doing what is right. I am putting my faith out on the table.Can you change things with something so small?

I hope so.

Save Me

I am drowning.

I am not sure I really know you. If I did, I might be different.

Is this a dissonance caused by youth?

I am hungry, and thirsty, yet so often these desires are not for you.

I am a double minded individual. I crave polar opposites and it scares me.

How far might I go in the wrong direction before seeing a way out?

Can I ever fix this?

I suppose a drowning man never could save himself.

I am a blind man in a light room - I am going to need a miracle to get out of the dark.