Gratefulness

This is going to be one of those 'free form' blogs - I am a tired and much of these thoughts are not going to be well articulated.

I am currently sitting at a computer here in Kalispell Montana on the day of our first show of a 7 week tour. With lack of sleep, and a difficult task ahead, it is really easy to become anxious, stressed, and agitated - I think that I have encountered all these feelings within the past several days and weeks. When these moments come, it seems rather too easy to do things and say things that you regret later. I want to prevent such things from happening so this morning, with the Montana sunrise just off my left, I want to simply recount what got me to this place, and be grateful. Taking moments to be grateful seem to do away with the anxiety, stress, and regretful comments or actions before they come.

This tale starts over a year ago. I was in Australia on a School of Music in Missions (SOMM). Throughout the course of the school, I started to feel like maybe I was supposed to go into the music industry professionally. I don't really understand the whole 'hearing God' thing, but if this was possible, and it was God, I wanted to raise my hand and say, "God, I don't know what you are up to, but I am willing - even though it will come with a cost." I started to look at my current skill-set and new that there was a lot of work to do before I would be able to come anywhere near the music industry, so I prayerfully moved forward. Taking every precaution, having every safety in place. I thought that I was doing everything right, and that it would just start to fall into place - it didn't. Everything in my life seemed to fall apart somehow. I felt poisoned, in a way I simply can not describe. My mood changed, my thoughts changed, and I really started to believe so many lies about myself and others. It really sucked.

I decided to put that big dream aside for a time, to re-evaluate my priorities, and drain that poison that seemed to consume me. I was getting along just fine, trying to live life well, and find joy again, when I get contacted by a friend of mine. Mike was my school leader for the SOMM, and he invited my to go on a 7 week tour with his band (myspace.com/fivestarstreets). I really did not know what to think of this request.

Do you ever find that God gives you the things you want the most, only after you no longer crave them? Then you find out that you still did want that thing, but that your priorities were now in the right order for you to actually enjoy that thing fully. I do not know if this happens to anyone else... it happens to me a lot.

It looked like this opportunity was everything I wanted all this past year but there was still one matter remaining. I am a music composer, drummer and piano player (and in that order). I would be playing in the band as a keyboardist/programmer - a position I have never had, and am not really all that experienced in. A lot of practice was needed during these past 2 months and it was the hardest thing I think I could have done during that time. It has come together really slowly. I still feel a bit inadequate to the task that is before me, but I recognize that something has happened to bring all this together. This past year has been incredibly challenging. I have been at many of my lowest points ever during this year, but I am beginning to understand this concept of grace, and it is what has kept me sane.

I do not know if the tone of this entry will actually seem like gratefulness, but I really have just seen how this whole thing has come together in a way I could not have arranged or planned. I am truly grateful to be sitting here now on the brink of this tour. I think that writing this out has helped to instill some of that gratitude in me so that I can face today's challenges with a few less regretful comments, actions, and with less stress.

Well, that is it for now. I hope to write other entries during this tour. I also hope that any following blogs will be a bit clearer, I am not really on my A-game with writing this morning...


~David